The Second Annual Week of

The Second Annual Week of Loathing: Faux Multiculturalism

Anyway, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” wanted to excoriate something particularly worthy of obloquy in our Second Annual Week of Loathing (April 6-8, 2005) parting shot. Our topic? Faux multiculturalism (if that’s not too redundant).

We feel slightly self-conscious about mentioning the way we came upon the idea to take a collective swipe at faux multiculturalism. But, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are nothing if not truth-tellers.

So, truth be told, one of the senior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—was watching the boob tube. We know, we know: How very demotic of him. But, we hasten to add, he was tuned in to comparatively upscale fare: “When Animals Attack,” “Full House,” “The Top 100 Least Memorable Things About VH-1.” You know, the classy stuff.

Anyway, dear reader, in the midst of his brain-deadening otiosity, he caught a peculiar commercial. It was an advertisement for some brand of pickup truck, and it featured a group of young fellows in said truck, one of whom was cheerfully singing along to ersatz country diva Shanaia Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” number. The other lads in the pickup were looking mighty uncomfortable.

But that wasn’t what interested “Chip.” On the contrary, like any good multiculturalist (or any good racist, we might add), he was taken aback by the ethnic mix in said pickup truck. A couple of whites, a couple of blacks, one Chinese—this automobile was a moving Benneton poster.

And then it hit “Chip”: Sometime back in 1996, the last photograph of a group of white people was taken. With the exception of the WB television network, sometime back in 1996, the last photograph of a group of black people was taken. As far as advertisers were concerned, ethnic homogenization was so Brand-X.

Now don’t get us wrong, dear reader: We’re not some passel of racists. In fact, we have always wondered why those so chirpy about the “superiority” of the white race are the worst examples of it. In addition, approximately 47 percent of the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” are Swedes and kindred swarthy minorities.

But, gee: This whole faux multiculturalism stuff has gone too far. How many people—regardless of their race—say to themselves, “I’d like to take a drive in a pickup truck with assorted buddies and listen to some Shanaia Twain CDs. Heck, I’ll have to go find my Albanian, Scottish, Mexican, Laotian, Haitian, Japanese, Finnish, and Rwandan pals.”

We mean, come on: It all seems so forced. Don’t any Asians know other Asians anymore? Are there no longer two Danish guys who are friends?

Naturally, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are not pining for the bad old days of segregation. Yet, interestingly, the same virtuecrats who are forcing assorted Moroccans, Irish, Fijians, and Argentines into pickup trucks are also stalwart supporters of such un-“diverse” phenomena as all-black graduation ceremonies and all-Mexican dormitories.

In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” find this so puzzling that we’ll have to discuss it with our chums Dieter, Nirad, Jorge, Yossi, Tyrone, and Ali.

On second thought, perhaps we’ll just mention it to Tim and Bill.