April 20, 2005

Let’s Get Secular

Let’s Get Secular

As pretty much everyone on God’s green earth must know by now, a new Pope has been chosen. The Vatican is awash in all kinds of good cheer, as the faithful bask in the luminous glow of Benedict XVI.

Naturally, not everyone is pleased as punch at the selection. Our friends in the good old mainstream media seem deeply disappointed, in fact. Benedict XVI is, after all, Catholic. And, quite frankly, to our friends in the good old mainstream media, that isn’t suitably progressive.

And so, on the nightly rant called “The Chris Matthews Show,” the eponymous host can be heard blathering on about the horrors of Benedict XVI’s shockingly Catholic worldview. Mr. Matthews has drudged up an assortment of Lesbian Satanists and animistic witch doctors to carp about the disgracefully religious outlook of the new pontiff.

This all strikes us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” as similar to a bunch of American Conservative Union members agonizing over the fact that the editor of Ms. magazine is a feminist. We mean, come on, what the heck do they expect?

Perhaps in the warped little minds of Mr. Matthews and Co., the cardinals were choosing between Benedict and Robert Reich. Alas, the Church chose the fellow who isn’t a same-sex-marriage-loving Jew. How unpropitious!

For our friends in the mainstream media, this is all very hard to take. The Pope isn’t a progressive; the President isn’t a progressive. Heck, even the car insurance company called “Progressive” isn’t progressive. What a bummer.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” want to offer our condolences to our friends in the mainstream media. It must be very troubling for them that new Pope is so, in a word, religious.

In fact, for all of those who were hoping (yet not praying, of course) that Robert Reich would be the next Pope, we want to offer you the following list, which mentions a few other important facts about the contemporary world. If you think Robert Reich was robbed, just take a gander at this:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official List of Unfortunate Facts Regarding the Job Placement of Various High-Profile Figures

1. Louis Farrakhan is not the president of the Philo-Semitic Committee of America.

2. Ann Coulter is not a staff writer at The Nation.

3. Cher is not a talented singer.

4. Paul Gigot is not the editor of The New Left Review.

5. Ralph Nader is not a fellow at the Cato Institute.

6. Cher is not a talented actress.

7. Chris Matthews is not unemployed.

Posted at April 20, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack