May 02, 2005

Open Minds, Open Legs

Open Minds, Open Legs

Imagine, dear reader, that a creature from outer space—let’s just say the planet Mars—could only learn about the greenish-blue orb we refer to as the earth from personal advertisements found in newspapers.

Let us further suppose that said Martian—let’s just call him “Chip”—quickly mastered the elaborate set of abbreviations that go hand in hand with the personal ads. You know, somehow he figured that HPTW stands for “height proportionate to weight,” and REROH means “really enjoys riboflavin on holiday.”

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have the feeling that said Martian would get a very strange idea of our world from his investigation of personal advertisements. But that’s not to say that said Martian would be misinformed about everything.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” had reason to reflect on this uninteresting and unlikely hypothetical situation, thanks to a personal advertisement one of our interns espied.

Now, dear reader, before you get the wrong impression, let us note that one of our interns is specifically assigned to “personal ads duty,” and must scour national and international newspapers in search of material. Said intern—let’s just call him “Chip”—is not some sort of desperate loser.

We’re glad we got that off of our collective chests. Now we feel much better.

Anyway, dear reader, we have taken you through this lengthy, meandering, longwinded, and vaguely unhelpful introduction for an important reason. We feel as if the personal ad that “Chip” came upon says much about the current state of American culture.

The following is a reasonable facsimile of said advertisement:


If you know what that’s like, we’ve already got something in common. Smart, sexy, free-spirited critical thinker, 39, seeks long-term love. Please be leftist, into books, films, changing the world.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: This chick sounds mighty classy. In fact, we found it surprising that such a critical thinker who aims to “change the world” would be herpes-stricken. Who would have thought that she would be a leftist?

Clearly, this advertisement says a great deal about the current state of American politics. We don’t want to make assumptions based on anecdotal evidence, but we think that this ad makes clear that every Democrat has herpes.

As far as we can tell, this lady’s sufficiently “free-spirited” to have a nasty sexually transmitted disease, but insufficiently “free-spirited” to enjoy the company of a conservative.

Hey: We all have our limits. Hers just happens to be right after herpes, and right before conservative.

And just imagine how glorious it would be to have a relationship with Ms. Herpes. Sure, you may not enjoy each other’s presence. You may even grow to detest one another. But, heck, you both have herpes, and that’ll always keep you close.

Frankly, dear reader, if we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” had herpes, we would compose a personal ad that looked a heck of a lot different from Ms. Herpes’ scribbling. Our advertisement would look more like the following:

Looking for Lover, Cure

If you know what it’s like to have herpes, then you are probably as “free-spirited” as we are. Crack young staff with inclination for making horrible decisions regarding our personal lives seeks long-term love, cure for herpes. Please be leftist, into books, films, changing the world. Also, please discover a cure for herpes.

Posted at May 2, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack