May 03, 2005

Support Their Troops We, the

Support Their Troops

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have noted that many of our friends on the radical Left have become irritated by the “Support Our Troops” stickers found on the backsides of countless vehicles. To the Tariq Ali and Noam Chomsky crowd, such demonstrations of endorsement for the American military industrial complex are simply beyond the pale. (Or, for that matter, the pail.)

Yet our friends on the radical Left, for all their militant hatred for the American military, seem deeply concerned about being labeled “unpatriotic.” Never mind the fact that we have never heard anyone label them “unpatriotic”; that doesn’t seem to work its way into the equation at all.

In fact, as far as we can tell, the radical Left in the USA is so obsessed with seeming patriotic that they’re well-nigh jingoistic. Accordingly, their automobiles proudly tout bumper stickers with inane slogans such as “Peace Is Patriotic.”

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Not if your country has been attacked, you dolt.

And this brings us to our topic for today. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hoped that we could aid our friends on the radical Left. We figured that we could design a bumper sticker for their sundry Volvos and Saabs that would counter the “Support Our Troops” stickers, which they consider so offensive.

Yet this, dear reader, presents something of a problem. What kind of bumper sticker referring to military affairs would both appeal to the American radical Left and seem suitably patriotic? It’s not an easy question to answer, is it, smarty pants?

After all, pretty much anyone can come up with clever lefty bumper stickers. You know, the ones with catchy slogans like “I’m a Democrat Opposed to the Spread of Democracy,” or “Saddam Hussein Is My Kind of Democrat,” or “Somewhere in Texas There’s a Village Missing its Idiot, and That Idiot Keeps on Defeating My Political Candidates of Choice.”

But those kinds of stickers aren’t very well going to cancel out all those “Support Our Troops” banners, now are they?

First, one of the senior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—came up with an idea: A sticker that reads “Support Our Troops: Abolish the American Military.” But then it occurred to us that forcing all those poor soldiers into unemployment lines wasn’t so, in a word, patriotic.

And then it collectively hit us. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” want to market our own “Support Their Troops” bumper stickers. We think they’ll prove extremely popular with our friends on the radical Left.

And unlike all those other radical lefty stickers—“Howard Dean for President,” “Feminists for the Taliban”—these stickers will never become obsolete. For, regardless of the conflict in which the United States is involved, our friends on the radical Left ineluctably support the opposition’s troops.

So, with “Support Their Troops” stickers plastered on their Range Rovers, radical lefties can demonstrate their undying patriotic zeal. For Iran.

Posted at May 3, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack