May 09, 2005



A junior editor here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—was recently trolling the World-Wide Web in search of fodder for our inimitably delicious excoriations. In the midst of his e-travels, “Chip” came upon an article on the left-of-Louis-Farrakhan “website” Left Hook that was jaw-droppingly obtuse.

For those of you unfamiliar with Left Hook, let us inform you that it is what those in the journalism business call a “double threat”: It is militantly left-wing, and it calls itself a “youth journal.” Anything penned by world-weary college sophomores-cum-Marxists ought to be good, right?

That’s what we collectively supposed. But then, alas, we took a gander at “Anti-Semitism or Ultra-Semitism?: The Politics of Smears and Self-Absorption,” which was penned by one M. Junaid Alam. Mr. Alam, who is the 22-year-old co-editor of Left Hook, appears to be about as informed on the Middle East conflict as the average semi-retarded iguana.

Think that’s a bit rough? Just check out this mind-bogglingly stupid snippet from his article:

Furthermore, no pro-Palestinian activist cares about Israel one way or the other in the absract. Zionists flatter themselves in thinking otherwise.

Not a single pro-Palestinian activist has an iota of concern regarding the future of Israel? Gosh. Nothing says “I’ve never read anything before in my life because I’m a dribbling, spoon-fed moron” quite like this putrid palaver.

In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” consider the young Mr. Alam so woefully uninformed that we’ve decided to offer him a bit of advice: Check out those loveable scamps in Hamas. If we recall correctly, they have some rather strong feelings about Israel “in the abstract.”

Now that you have an idea of the caliber of writer Mr. Alam is, you are no doubt eager to know what his “Anti-Semitism and Ultra-Semitism?” “thought” piece is all about. Well, it seems to boil down to a defense of every anti-Israeli agitator. According to the esteemed Mr. Alam, each and every anti-Israeli propagandist is not an anti-Semite. There’s not one in the whole lot of them.

We can imagine Mr. Alam going through a mental checklist of potential anti-Semites: David Duke? No. Pat Buchanan? Nope. Osama bin Laden? No, sir.

Mr. Alam seems to believe that anti-Semitism, like unicorns, simply doesn’t exist. In fact, it’s merely an epithet used by evil Zionists, who are, one and all, racists. In order to prove his reasonable point, he gives a curious label to supporters of Israel: “Ultra-Semites.” We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” suppose that an “ultra-Semite” is just like a regular Semite, yet possesses special Middle-Eastern powers.

Hmmm. This is a rather subtle argument, no? Let’s see if we can get it straight. Not a single anti-Israeli activist is an anti-Semite; every single defender of Israel is a racist.

Well, gee: That’s awfully believable. We’re glad that someone could finally capture all the nuances of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Posted at May 9, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack