May 16, 2005

Practice Random Acts of Kindness,

Practice Random Acts of Kindness, You Jackass

About a fortnight ago, dear reader, one of the senior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—found himself at the local food co-operative. “Chip” was in the midst of a search for a bucket full of tofu and a copy of The New Criterion.

Well, dear reader, it turns out that said food co-operative didn’t carry The New Criterion. Apparently, said journal doesn’t prove as popular with the wheat-grass crowd as Yoga Weekly and Urine Therapy Today. Who would have guessed it?

Anyway, whilst scampering around said food co-operative in a vain hunt for soy bean curd and Stefan Beck reviews, “Chip” had an interesting thought. This food co-operative, as the bumper stickers out in its parking lot announced, is home to some of the most Left-of-Dennis-Kucinich folks you’ll find this side of the Harvard faculty club. Why is it, “Chip” contemplated, that everyone here is so uncivil and abrasive?

After all, members of the “Free Mumia” Left are well known for their touting of such feckless slogans as “Practice Random Acts of Kindness,” “Peace Is Patriotic,” and “Make Love, Not War.” Why are so many of these political peaceniks crotchety goons?

This thought triggered “Chip” to ponder related questions. If the MoveOn crowd believes that the United States of America must demonstrate its kindness to the world, why can’t the MoveOn crowd demonstrate its kindness to the poor sods that work at their local food co-operative?

Why must John Bolton be on his very best behavior in his discussions with such peaceable folks as the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the UN, but the Howard Deaniacs can feel free to browbeat a benighted stock boy?

Don’t think this is the case, dear reader? Then we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” propose that you attempt a little experiment.

Everyone knows that food co-operatives are always playing the music of some sort of moribund culture, in order to demonstrate a false sense of kinship with the “oppressed.” Nothing makes a pseudo-revolutionary feel better than some uninspired noodling from a Brazilian favela. It’s the musical equivalent of Ben & Jerry’s “We Destroyed the Rainforest Crunch.”

We humbly exhort you to switch this music with a radio broadcast of Fox News. May we humbly suggest that the “Give Peace a Chance” mob won’t react with great calmness?

As far as we’re concerned, such hypocritical folks should have to pay some sort of price for their random acts of unkindness. Perhaps we could replace their bumper stickers with ones that read “Everyone But Me Should Practice Random Acts of Kindness; I’ll Be Busy Chewing Out an 18-Year-Old Cashier.”

It’s not exactly catchy, but we think it’s much closer to the truth.

Posted at May 16, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack