May 25, 2005

Another Fruitless Scheme

Another Fruitless Scheme

Regular readers of this humble “weblog” may have noticed that “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” is about as popular as jock itch. In fact, if we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” had a few more e-visits each day, we’d be about as in vogue as Latoya Jackson. Or maybe Tito.

As you can imagine, dear reader, our humble “website’s” leper-esque unpopularity has been the focus of much consternation. Frankly, we don’t much value being the Internet equivalent of the XFL.

Accordingly, the Official Fruitless Schemes Department here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has spent a fair amount of time pondering myriad ways in which we can expand our e-audience. Other than changing our format to homosexual pornography—we think that would certainly prove popular, but it would probably leave us feeling a tad sordid. Probably.

After literally moments of thought, the Official Fruitless Schemes Department here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” noticed something that was a key to our Blue Oyster Cult-like fan base. Unlike sundry other “weblogs,” “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” does not make routine mention of other “webloggers.”

As dedicated prowlers of Al Gore’s World-Wide Web certainly realize, most of the Pajama Brigade offer incessant tips of the cap to fellow “webloggers.” For instance, some might suggest that their readers check out a high-quality “weblog” such as, say, the Llamabutchers. This will undoubtedly impress the Llamabutchers, who will return the compliment by offering some kind words about the former “website.” As a result, in a few short days, your humble “weblog” will be bigger than Elvis (literally and metaphorically).

The modus scribendi here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” does not allow for such quotidian back scratching. Alas, our one-post-a-day format has drastically hampered our ability to suck up to other “webloggers,” and revel in the manifold links that we earn as a result of our inveterate sycophancy.

That is to say, until now. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have endeavored to use today’s humble post as a veritable link-machine. Our Official “Weblog”-Browsing Department has culled the name of a few desultory “websites,” to which we shall offer overwrought kudos.

Bear in mind, dear reader, that we have picked these “weblogs” at random; we haven’t even laid eyes on most of them. Still, we feel as if our days working retail qualify us to present a number of unearned pleasantries.

Without further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are pleased as preening peacocks to present:

The Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Examples of Spineless Sucking-Up, in Hopes That They Will Bring in More Hits Than Ike Turner Can Shake a Fist at:

1. Boy, Instapundit sure is a heck of a “website.” If the guy who runs it—Greg Kinnear?—isn’t one of the big “webloggers,” we think that’s a terrible oversight.

2. As far as we’re concerned, Wonkette is one talented writer. Our only quibble with her “website” is the fact that it’s too highbrow for our tastes. Can’t she add a little gossip into the mix?

3. If you think Michelle Malkin is a good pundit now, just imagine how marvelous she’ll be when she’s all grown up.

4. The Volokh Conspiracy is a fantastic “website.” But we only trust lawyers who advertise on television. After all, that’s how we got all that cash from workers’ comp.

5. We could listen to the dulcet tones of Ariana Huffington’s mellifluous voice all day.

6. Sullywatch sucks.

Well, dear reader, that should do it. We’ll just wait for our ineluctable “Instalaunch.”

Posted at May 25, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack