May 24, 2005

The Left Hook Misses Again

The Left Hook Misses Again

A little while ago, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” used this space to dilate on a ridiculous article pertaining to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict penned by a moronic tyro who edits the “radical youth journal” Left Hook. A few days ago, one of our intrepid interns—let’s just call him “Chip”—intrepidly headed back to Left Hook, in search of better fare.

Alas, dear reader, we must report that the article he found—“The Muslims Are Mad? Blame it on Newsweek”—was pretty much as feculent as the last piece of Left Hook hokum we excoriated on our humble “weblog.”

In fact, our opinion of Left Hook is so low that we found it deeply appropriate that the editors at this sordid e-rag have seen fit to offer a picture of Helen Keller on their “webpage,” in some sort of demonstration of solidarity. To be sure, we don’t know much about the late Ms. Keller’s politics, but we find the staff of Left Hook as tin-eared as she.

The article that “Chip” read, dear reader, is the work of one Jared McBride, a recent graduate of Northeastern University. As the title of the article suggests, the young Mr. McBride believes that it was fine and dandy for Newsweek magazine to print its erroneous story about the purported desecration of the Koran. As the young Mr. McBride, in a typical fit of pique, argues, “I, personally, am not even interested in discussing whether this particular story is true or not.” Well, gee: Why would it matter if it were true or not? We can’t think of a reason either.

Let us examine the young Mr. McBride’s curious description of the brouhaha:

To briefly summarize the events to date: In the illegal detention center known as Guantanamo Bay (or concentration camp, depending on how you view it) located on the soil of another sovereign nation (Cuba), an employee of the Pentagon or US soldier, while in the midst of a [sic] interrogation of a prisoner, was reported by Newsweek to have flushed a Koran, or part there of [sic], down the toilet. The unknown source supposedly got cold feet, and then Newsweek got colder feet, retracting their story after coming under attack by the White House, Pentagon, and other individuals and institutions which have been consistently responsible for perpetuating war crimes.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: That about accurately sums up the situation. But wait; there seems to be a tiny problem with the young Mr. McBride’s rehash: It’s entirely inaccurate.

Never mind the fact that the young Mr. McBride’s first sentence opens with a whopper of a split infinitive. Apparently, the powers-that-be at Northeastern University were too busy indoctrinating the young Mr. McBride in the evils of Amerikkka to teach him any grammar lessons. Grammar is so patriarchal and oppressive, anyway.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were particularly intrigued by the whole Guantanamo Bay is a “concentration camp, depending on how you view it” bit. Well, we suppose it does matter “how you view it.” And may we humbly suggest that the young Mr. McBride’s view is that of a moral cretin?

This, however, is not our favorite part of the young Mr. McBride’s attempt to win the Zenith of Mongoloid Reasoning Award. As far as we’re concerned, nothing beats this:

[Pentagon spokesman Larry] Dirita (and the White House) believe that US forces are now “in danger” because Newsweek cited what they believed [erroneously] to be a reliable source, which subsequently sparked protests in Muslim countries. That is like throwing someone into a tank with a shark, and then blaming a passerby who accidentally drips blood into the tank for putting the person in danger. But then again, this is the logic of the Pentagon—the same people who brought you Vietnam.

Boy, that “shark tank” comparison is particularly apt, isn’t it? Naturally, the young Mr. McBride believes that the United States’ evil, illegal wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, along with its nettlesome regard for the safety of Israel, are to blame. Heck, we blame the backward views of Islamists, who would kill people as the result of the desecration of a book. And we blame Newsweek, too, for its phony reporting. But we suppose this all “depends on how you view it.”

May we humbly point out, dear reader, that the last sentence of the young Mr. McBride’s tirade is inaccurate? He writes “But then again, this is the logic of the Pentagon—the same people who brought you Vietnam.”

A curious locution, that. Perhaps the young Mr. McBride—as well read on foreign affairs as he no doubt is—does not realize that the Pentagon is not “people.” More importantly, the Pentagon is not “the same people who brought you Vietnam.”

Vietnam is a sovereign nation, not a construction of the Amerikkkan military-industrial complex. If the young Mr. McBride won’t respect Vietnam’s status as a sovereign nation, we think that’s downright despicable.

Posted at May 24, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack