July 06, 2005

Meeting Expectations

Meeting Expectations

Every once in a while, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” receive a variation on the same general e-mail. “How,” our e-mailing friend queries, “have you managed to last over one year and still remain dismally unpopular?” Or words to that effect.

Frankly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have long pondered this very question ourselves. After all, with an editorial staff of well over 250 and enough interns that we have forced one of them to spend his entire day reading The New York Post, you’d think that our humble “website” would prove to be one of the most popular in the e-land. Kind of like the Internet equivalent of wicker.

But no: For over one full annum, this humble “website” has remained slightly lower on the Truth Laid Bear Ecosystem than gout. We’re about as in vogue as En Vogue. We’re about as respected as Joseph Liebermann at a CAIR rally.

So, how do we do it? To be honest, dear reader, we’re not entirely certain. Even so, we think that we can point to a few things. In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have decided to offer our secrets in list form, so that other prospective “webloggers” can easily ape our record of proven failure.

Without too much in the way of further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are pleased as pristine pewter to present:

How To Maintain an Unpopular “Weblog”:

1. Make sure that you discuss topics nobody cares about. When the whole World-Wide Web is off dilating on the Supreme Court, offer a disquisition on Gore Vidal instead. That ought to drag ‘em in.

2. Offer a Dutch version of your “website” (in our case, named “De Haatmonijer Qvarterootheit.” That way, native Dutch-speakers who can’t read English can enjoy your humble animadversions.

3. Seldom extend the number of “weblogs” to which you “link.” While the Llamabutchers and Gordo are out rustling up new e-pals, make sure that your Luddite Technical Department fails to “weblogroll” new “websites.”

4. Lots of posts about American astronomer George Ellery Hale.

5. Continue to offer posts in a tired “Top Ten List” format. That way, e-strollers will realize that your feculent “website” is merely a David Letterman wannabe.

6. Don’t be funny.

Posted at July 6, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack