July 07, 2005
Introducing “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official
Introducing “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Worst Bumper Sticker Contest
Do you, dear reader, detest the pithy bromides that grace well-nigh every bumper sticker? Do you grit your teeth at the execrable vehicular eyesores that your friends consider witty? Do you detest any automotive accoutrement that reads “Visualize World Peace” or “Visualize Whirled Peas”?If you answered “Yes” to any of the above queries, dear reader, than there’s a heck of chance that you hate bumper stickers. And we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” want you, our treasured reader, to know that you are not alone.
We don’t mean that we’re currently creeping up behind you, or anything kind of creepy like that. Rather, we want to inform you that we too cringe at the sight of bumper stickers.
In fact, our antipathy for these little back bumper buggers is so intense that we collectively wondered what we could do to halt the manufacturing of them. Unfortunately, dear reader, we came up blank. We suppose we’re not terribly creative.
Just as we were collectively losing faith in our collective selves, an idea collectively struck us like a brick: Why not hold an Official Worst Bumper Sticker Contest, and thereby spread the word about the general asininity of these vehicular blights?
We know what you are thinking, dear reader: That’s a darn fine idea. If we weren’t so modest, we’d say so ourselves.
Accordingly, it is with uncommon fervor that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” officially announce our Official Worst Bumper Sticker Contest. By means of this humble competition, we aim to announce the world’s most abysmal bumper sticker.
Right about now, dear reader, you are undoubtedly wondering: What must I do to enter this Ben Affleck of contests? How can I send my horrid bumper sticker of choice to the crack young staff?
Don’t fret: Almost nothing—including Britney Spears—could be easier. All you must do is “surf” the World-Wide Web in search of a bumper sticker you particularly abhor. After all, we’re going to need e-proof that your bumper sticker is legit.
Having “copied” the “page” at which this rancid bumper sticker slogan is found, you then simply “e-mail” it to us via the “Contact Us” link at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen. Submissions to the contest must be sent by 5:00pm EST on July 20th. Late entries and submissions in Turkish will not be read.
The winning entry will win world-wide acclaim through its publication on this uproariously unpopular “website.”
So, dear reader, what are you waiting for? Or, to put that a bit better, for what are you waiting? Fame—albeit not fortune—awaits. Send in a submission today.
