July 08, 2005

It’s All Our Fault We,

It’s All Our Fault

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” earnestly believed that the senseless and savage acts of terrorism in London would have prompted our friends on the radical Left to take a few days break from carping on the evils of the West. After all, the machinations of dastardly jihadis had just cost the lives of numerous innocent Brits. If this didn’t make the Not In Our Name folks put a temporary sock in it, what else would?

Alas, dear reader, a quick perusal of the far-left-of-reality “website” Democratic Underground instantly dashed our collective hopes that these dime-store Chomskys would lay low for a bit. The various participants in e-chats predictably blamed the “real terrorists” for the attacks. Tony Blair and George W. Bush, that is.

Clearly, the Democratic Undergrounders aver that the lovable scamps who aim to destroy Western civilization and convert us all to radical Islam by the sword would never have attacked us if we hadn’t been so impetuous and struck back. Well, gee: It makes a certain sense, doesn’t it? Our bad, our bad.

Curiously, dear reader, the slightly-to-the-left-of-Howard-Zinn crowd always believes that a given atrocity is the fault of the “Western axis of evil”—America, Israel, and Britain. We’re responsible for everything from high oil prices to Jason Giambi. Caught in a red light? Blame Zionism; it’ll make you feel better.

Apparently, our friends on the radical Left feel as if they can only champion their fanatical “allies” in the Middle East if they absolve them of any and all agency. To them, one aids the “freedom fighter” by treating him like an infant.

One can see our Harold Pinters say: “There, there, little Akhbar: It’s all our fault. It’s always our fault. You simply couldn’t control yourself.”

Whilst we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were (literally) kicking these thoughts around in our heads, it collectively occurred to us: It isn’t very easy to blame the West for everything. It actually takes a certain soupcon of skill.

Accordingly, dear reader, we asked various members of the crack young staff to come up with a list of blights, imperfections, and annoyances that plague modern life. And then we determined to find a way to blame the West for the irritants in question. This way, the New Left Review crowd won’t have anything on us.

Without too much in the way of further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” blithely present our desultory list of annoyances and the reasons why the West is responsible for them:

A Desultory List of Annoyances and the Reasons Why the West Is Responsible for Them:

Item One: Acne

As anyone who reads Mother Jones realizes, acne is a holdover from European imperialism. In fact, if it weren’t for the Dutch East India Company, everyone’s skin would be as blemish-free as a model for an Oxy commercial.

Item Two: Soft Rock

Soft rock is ultimately the creation of greedy Zionists, who aim to take over the world through an assortment of Phil Collins tunes. Anyone who doubts that soft rock is a Zionist plot should reflect on these two words: Barry Manilow.

Item Three: Racism

Oh, come on! That one is very, very easy. It’s an insult, actually. As every expert in so-called Cultural Studies will tell you, racism was invented by Europeans in 1373—the year before Petrarch’s death. Non-westerners have been entirely free of this blight. If you don’t believe, us, just take a gander at Egyptian state television.

Item Four: Burnt Toast

Ooh, now there’s a tough one. If we recall correctly, burnt toast is a symptom of false consciousness on the part of the Western ruling classes. An end to capitalism would mean the end of burnt toast.

Posted at July 8, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack