We Have a Fan A

We Have a Fan

Recently, however, we received a piece of fan mail that made us collectively pine to be as anonymous as we previously believed. Said e-mail, which came from a fellow who chose not to share his name with us (but whose e-address is britt505@netzero.com), was somewhat condemning of our efforts.

Below we have reproduced this e-mail, to which we have affixed our own humble commentary. Titled “your website,” the missive in question begins:

I saw your little website, and I'm unimpressed. Despite your earnest efforts to prove how wordy you are (I'm sure you stay up late at night with your dictionary, finding more obscure words to impress us with) you might as well face it: you're not an intellectual, and your website sucks bigtime [sic].

Gosh, someone is a tad angry, isn’t he? Or, a quick check of the staff thesaurus would determine that he is a tad choleric. How’s that for a ten-dollar word?

Alas, we aren’t suitably “intellectual” for this fine fellow’s tastes. Also, we had the impression that our new friend was being faintly derogatory when referring to our “little website.” But how could we make the thing bigger? Why doesn’t he just buy a larger computer?

You are typical of all neo-fascists: you piss and moan like a baby about liberals, but never offer any solutions about today's problems. You whine when Bob Geldof and Paul McCartney try to prod the world's richest nations to do something about millions of starving africans [sic], but offer no solutions yourself. What's your plan? To let them rot? Why don't you just admit that you could care less if people with black skin die? After all, it's not your problem.

We found this part a bit vexing. We mean, come on: We’re not typical of all neo-fascists; there must be a few who differ from us, however slightly. In addition, we hardly think our tepid criticism of Live 8 demonstrated that we yearn to let millions of “starving africans [sic]” go hungry. Geez: Someone took our Pink Floyd gags a bit too seriously.

If you could just admit that utopia for you would be a white, totalitarian country presided over by a newly-cloned Ronald Reagan, (with Adolf Hitler as v.p.) then I might have some respect for you.

Boy oh boy. It just gets better, doesn’t it? Although we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” clearly aren’t as intellectual as our new pal, we find that he isn’t exactly interested in arguing fairly.

In addition, his criticisms make no sense. Why would we want Hitler to be Vice President? He’s just going to start a coup and seize power from poor, “newly-cloned” Ronald Reagan. By the way, we suppose our new buddy’s comparison of Hitler and Reagan makes him an intellectually luminous member of the smart set.

Like all fascists and nazis [sic], you realized (as did King George the second [sic]) that the important thing is propaganda, not the truth. By the way, you use "feculant" [sic] way too much. You need to learn a new Word for the Day, and I just know that you'll get that gold star on your forehead you've been lusting after.

Dear, oh dear: This part really depressed us. Although he’s certainly correct that we use the word “feculent” a great deal, apparently we have not employed it enough for him to learn how to spell it. So much for his gold star.

Also, need we point out that our new comrade has ended his epistle in a preposition? Rather sub-par, isn’t it?

As you might imagine, dear reader, after taking in this vituperative e-mail, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were aghast. How could someone so dislike us? To make matters worse, how could the fellow who so dislikes us be so darn smart? It wasn’t fair; it wasn’t fair at all.

Still, we felt as if we had to write this chap back. Our e-missive went as follows:

Dear britt5050,

Cordially,
The Crack Young Staff of THMQ

If you ask us, that was pretty nice of us. And we didn’t even use the word “feculent.”