July 15, 2005

Warning: Extreme Opinion Below Every

Warning: Extreme Opinion Below

Every once in a while, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” receive a slightly puzzling e-mail. As you would expect, we must tolerate a veritable avalanche of quotidian fan mail. And yet, as pleasant as wading through an e-trough of laudatory e-missives may be, on occasion the odder e-mails have the ability to stick with us.

For instance, dear reader, a few short days ago we were on the receiving end of an e-letter from some fellow who chose not to offer his name. This correspondent—whom we shall call Herman for the purposes of euphony—averred that our humble “website” presents its readers with too many milquetoast messages.

Well, perhaps he didn’t use that language exactly, but we still got the distinct impression that this character found our views on current affairs disappointingly plebian. Can’t we, he seemed to be asking, offer any really meaty opinions? Can’t we ruffle some feathers?

The answer to that question is hopefully contained in today’s humble “post.” After literally minutes of careless thought, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have fashioned an argument that is likely to make the more thin-skinned among you deeply upset. In fact, our idea was so harsh that a few of the staff members threatened to quit their jobs and work for the Maximum Leader.

Accordingly, dear reader, we need not warn you that you read the following sentiments at your own peril. The faint of heart are unlikely to stomach these ideas, if we may mix our metaphors.

A Refreshingly Extreme Opinion: Kill All Rock Musicians

As pretty much anyone unfortunate enough to own MTV must know, rock-n-roll musicians have become particularly irksome of late. To be sure, their noxious children’s music has bothered discriminating listeners for decades. And yet there is something particularly irritating about a passel of ultra-wealthy nitwits enjoining Western taxpayers to flip the bill for Africa’s hopeful recovery.

Now, dear reader, don’t get us wrong: We very much hope that Africa recovers. But we have a hunch that if these preening pseudo-musicians would give up their mansions, their prostitutes, their costly drug habits, and their fleets of luxury automobiles, Africa would be, as they say, in the black.

So why don’t the artistic geniuses behind “Green Day” live together in a one-room flat if they care about Africa so much? Our friends in Mozambique could surely use “Green Day’s” cash.

But obviously, dear reader, they won’t do that: Rock musicians are too narcissistic to think that they must sacrifice anything. After all, they joined up with Live 8 as a cheap way for some publicity.

As far as we’re concerned, this is simply unacceptable. Accordingly, we believe that all rock-n-roll musicians should be killed. What effect—other than aural delight—would the loss of these aesthetic barbarians have? None at all, as far as we can surmise. Well, other than on the pregnancy rate.

And so they all must go. Billy Joel first.

Posted at July 15, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack