John Roberts and the Supremes

John Roberts and the Supremes

As far as we can intuit, darn near everyone on the old chat show circuit wants to know our humble opinion on the judicial qualifications of John Roberts. Of course, a few of us here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” were recently diagnosed as raging megalomaniacs. Accordingly, our perception of our awe-inspiring import in the land of punditry may be a tad off.

Even so, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aim to use this humble “post” as our official soapbox for our early views on one John Roberts. At the very least, this will help drown out the shrill yakking of that creepy fellow from the People for the American Way. That guy’s hair makes Sam Donaldson’s rug look like a work of art.

Unfortunately, dear reader, we know next to nothing about Judge Roberts. Although a lack of facts hasn’t stopped anyone else from blathering on about him, we like to think that we hold ourselves up to a higher standard.

Ah, whom are we kidding? We’ve got lower standards than Fred Durst. Without further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are pleased as porcine pets to present:

Our Official Early Ruminations on Judge John Roberts:

Our crack young research team here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” attempted to do a little digging on John Roberts’ background. But, after around an hour of work, it realized that it had been searching the Internet for “Bob Roberts,” not “John Roberts.” For a minute there, we thought President Bush had been foolish enough to nominate a horrid Tim Robbins flick to the supreme court.

After an hour-and-a-half more work, our crack young research team figured out that it was now finding tidbits of information on “Robert Johnson.” It’s too bad President Bush didn’t nominate him: From what we can gather, he was a heck of a guitarist. And, in addition to being a black man, he also has the advantage of being deceased. Our “diversity-crats” haven’t yet realized it, but there’s a real tyranny of the living on the highest court in the land.

So, after a good afternoon’s work, our not-so crack not-so young research team called it quits. And, after ten minutes of semi-careful reflection, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” then concluded that John Roberts is the most boring man alive.

Now, don’t get us wrong: We don’t mean that as an insult. Boring, we hear, is the new interesting. But this summa cum laude doughboy is about as enthralling as a root canal.

Consequently, dear reader, we are pleased to announce that Mr. Roberts has officially won our unbridled support. We’re certain he’ll be quite excited to hear it.