July 25, 2005

A Special “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Twofer:

A Special “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Twofer: Kenny Rogers & Kenny Rogers

Devoted fanatics of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—if such creatures exist—undoubtedly realize that we absolutely despise country music. In fact, our perfervid detestation of this rancid form of aural terrorism makes us feel somewhat more at home in “Blue State” America.

Well, except for the fact that “Blue State” America seems to enjoy rap, hip-hop, trip-hop, hip-trip, trippity-rap, rappity-hip, and kindred forms of aesthetic water torture.

It should come as no surprise, then, that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” utterly contemn the ersatz country crooner Kenny Rogers. This silver-maned chucklehead has written so many rancid ditties that his “Gambler” number almost sounds pretty good by comparison. Almost.

As far as we’re concerned, Kenny Rogers is the white Lionel Richie. He’s the kind of guy who sells millions of albums, and yet we don’t know anyone who owns one. Or at least who’ll own up to it.

And don’t even get us started about “Islands in the Stream,” the song Kenny Rogers composed about Dolly Parton swimming the backstroke. That feculent ditty isn’t sufficiently hardcore to earn play at your doctor’s office. We’ve heard better Muzak versions of Elton John songs, for crying out loud.

Perhaps, dear reader, it is a tad more interesting to learn that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” also dislike another fellow called Kenny Rogers. But probably only a tad: As far as we can tell, darn near everyone this side of the Nile detests this crabby nincompoop.

We are speaking, of course, of the Kenny Rogers who is a pitcher for the Texas Rangers. As is well known throughout America, Mr. Rogers doesn’t like cameramen in his neighborhood. In fact, he shoves and insults them for daring to do their jobs.

After a nasty incident in which this Neanderthal attacked a defenseless crewman, Kenny Rogers apologized—and then went back to his old antics, proving that he doesn’t have sufficient moral uprightness to be Pete Rose.

Humorist Joe Queenan once opined that everyone named Kenny who became a professional musician sucks: Kenny G, Kenny Loggins, Kenny Rogers, et al. Well, we’re not sure if Mr. Queenan knows of Kenny Wheeler, but that sentiment strikes us as more-or-less true. We’d bet that Kenny Rogers the pitcher is a really bad singer, too.

Posted at July 25, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack