August 01, 2005

An Open Letter... Greetings, loyal

An Open Letter...

Greetings, loyal readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader from Naked Villainy here filling in as a "guest weblogger" at the kind invitation of the Crack Young Staff.

Whilst your Maximum Leader is queuing up other topics upon which to opine, he felt the need to share with all of you this open letter to the manager of the Wal-Mart "Supercenter" near the Villainschloss...

General Manager Wal-Mart Supercenter #1833 Fredericksburg VA 22401

Dear Sir:

Your Maximum Leader from time to time finds it necessary to shop at the Wal-Mart "Supercenter" on Carl D. Silver Parkway in Fredericksburg VA. He says necessary because, quite honestly, he prefers to do what little shopping he does do at other establishments. This is not to say that he does not appreciate the Wal-Mart Corporation. The ability to provide quality items at inexpensive prices to the teeming masses is a praiseworthy one. Indeed your Maximum Leader, unlike many "community activists" in less well-to-do areas, lauds the Wal-Mart Corporation for all it does for "the people."

It is "the people" whom your Corporation serves so well that are the subject of this epistle.

Last night your Maximum Leader had to go out rather late at night to get some vital supplies for his lovely wife, Mrs. Villain. These supplies could not wait until the morrow for their procurement; because Mrs. Villain and your Maximum Leader's Villainous Offspring were departing early the next day for a lengthy stay at "the beach." So, your Maximum Leader headed out to your Wal-Mart "Supercenter" as it was the one place at which he knew all the required supplies could be purchased.

He arrived near 11pm at the store and was shocked (shocked!) at the number of people who chose to do their "shopping" at such a late hour (and on the Sabbath no less). They were the very epitome of that which the ancient Greeks described with the word "demokratia." While we today may know this word as democracy, it was originally meant in a pejorative way. It roughly translated as "rule by the mob."

Yes these people where not the model citizens envisioned by Plato or Aristotle. And while your Maximum Leader is not trying to suggest that you should limit your clientele to just those who would fit an Aristotelian definition of belonging to the "demos," he does wish that you would at least see to it that they were suitably attired.

Now, your Maximum Leader has a number of fine tailors whom he has had thoroughly vetted and to whom he has given his warrant. When he is in need of clothing, he will visit one of these fine merchants and procure a suit or casual clothes. Upon obtaining these vestments he takes them to a delightful middle-aged Greek woman - Mrs. Moti - who tailors them to his exacting preferences. Indeed if you, dear sir, knew the pleasures of listening to Mr. Moti read Homer in Greek to you while Mrs. Moti chalks and pins your suit-jacket for alteration you would never buy off-the-rack again.

But your Maximum Leader digresses...

He was rather shocked at a female patron of your store and her family. Your Maximum Leader is sure that if you review the security camera tapes from last night you will notice her. She is the one who stood approximately 5 feet 5 inches tall, weighed approximately 210 pounds, had her hair (poorly) dyed a shade of red, and was orbited by 3 generously proportioned youths. (These children your Maximum Leader took to be hers.)

What was most shocking about her (aside from her atrocious butchering of the Queen's English when she spoke - but that is no fault of yours) was her attire. Again, if you review the security camera tapes you will see she was wearing some sort of pants made of a material with which your Maximum Leader is unfamiliar but he has heard called "lycra." Over her torso she appeared to be wearing a (several sizes too small) men’s "tank top" undershirt that could not contain her ample bosoms. Her bosoms did in fact slide out from either side of the undershirt as she perambulated down the aisles.

It is this sort of visual affront which your Maximum Leader would like to spare himself. While he would not go so far as to say that Wal-Mart should change their marketing strategy and become a more elite retailer; he would suggest that you institute some basic rules of decorum in your stores.

Indeed, should a patron enter your store without meeting your basic dress code you could surely usher them to the "clothing" department and suit them up quickly. Think of it as a self-improvement marketing plan for customers.

Yours cordially,

Your Maximum Leader

Carry on.

Posted at August 1, 2005 08:27 AM | TrackBack