August 15, 2005

Are You Getting Personal? If

Are You Getting Personal?

If anything, dear reader, our recent move to our comfy new digs has opened our collective minds to one important factotum: Pretty much every region in these here United States of America is home to a rancid freebee rag that offers numerous personal advertisements. Granted, our evidence for this assertion is a bit scant; still, we believe that sub-par local opinion journalism is one of the things that makes this country distinct.

In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” will go so far as to suggest that pathetic free newspapers are precisely what distinguish us from the terrorists. Well, that and good grooming. But we digress.

We have mentioned this topic, dear reader, because one of our sheepish interns—let’s just call him “Chip”—has immediately set to work at the new Official Headquarters, and vigilantly scanned the personal ads of our new area’s feculent freebee rag. As is so oft the case, “Chip” happened upon a fairly interesting advert, and pined to share it with our colossal readership. The advertisement in question looks a heck of a lot like the following—albeit in a different font and with superior graphics:

I’m a MWM ISO a woman with that “something special”. I’m 34, 5’9”, HWP, and keep my haircut very short. Let’s meet for lunch. I cannot entertain, but if you know of a place we could meet, maybe we could work something out. 34 yo.

Somewhat peculiar, n’est pas? Unfortunately, the venerable publication that is home to this pleasant advertisement does not contain a key for abbreviations, and thus we are left in the dark about this MWM’s truncated title.

Still, as far as we can gather, the ad is the work of a Married White Man, who is In Search Of both a Television and a Compact Disc. Although we can’t fully make out the “TS,” we have the feeling that this wedded chap is a big fan of that modernist poet of the ages, T.S. Eliot. Either that, or he fancies Transsexuals. Take your pick.

And this led us to an interesting set of questions: Why would someone search out a TV and a CD via a personal ad? Hasn’t this chap ever heard of Best Buy? And what CD does this guy want? If he is truly a fan of transsexuals, we would figure that a Ricky Martin album would suffice. But that’s just, as the British police would call it, a shot in the dark.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” also considered it mildly noteworthy that the advertiser “cannot entertain.” Perhaps this has something to do with his status as a MWM—that is to say, as a Married White Man. Indeed, that ought to make hosting a transsexual at one’s abode a bit difficult.

Or perhaps his apartment is just really dirty.

Posted at August 15, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack