September 06, 2005
A Foolproof Guide to Blaming
A Foolproof Guide to Blaming George W. Bush
As has been reported ad nauseam of late, many of our friends on the political Left have chirpily blamed President Bush for the hurricane named Katrina. It was, the lefties claim, President Bush’s failure to abide by the Kyoto Protocol that has caused this horrible tragedy. In addition, the President has failed to aid those trapped in New Orleans with sufficient vigor, because he hates black people. Q.E.D.Naturally, dear reader, it’s hard to argue with that logic. But, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” will do our best to argue nonetheless.
It does seem a bit cheap—if not a bit sordid—to blame a natural disaster on our current Commander-in-Chief, doesn’t it? For starters, the US Senate wasn’t such a big Kyoto fan—it considered it draconian and therefore refused to back it.
Far more importantly, however, the whole “Blame George for Katrina” line strikes us as a bit ridiculous. If you ask us, even if George W. did nothing other than spray an aerosol can in the sky all day, it still is a bit farfetched to claim that he is the ghost behind Katrina.
Accordingly, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hesitantly and reluctantly came to the conclusion that many of our pals of the Left would find a way to blame President Bush for anything. We know, we know—it isn’t a very kind conclusion. But it seems to fit the bill.
Helpful scamps that we are, we decided to aid our friends on the Left with their incessant tarring and feathering of our current war criminal-cum-president. Why not offer the lefties a foolproof guide to blaming Bush? That way, our lefty chums can have more time to sip expensive coffee, buy Saabs, and be hypocrites. What’s not to love?
As such, below you will find our humble contribution to the radical leftists—our guide to blaming W. It is sufficiently detailed to prove useful, and sufficiently terse to fit in a wallet made out of hemp. As a result, our lefty pals can take it wherever they’re going—a Dennis Kucinich fundraiser, an ACLU meeting, a gay orgy, &c.
Horrible Disaster the First: Rising Gas Prices
Of course, our Liar-in-Chief is responsible for the actions of the OPECers. Gas prices are high because our country’s naked imperialist aggression has alienated the decent, peace-loving Muslim world. Had the USA not invaded Iraq, gas would be less than 50 cents a gallon right now.
Horrible Disaster the Second: Falling Gas Prices
Of course, our Liar-in-Chief is responsible for the abundance of cheap oil in America, which gas-guzzling Neanderthals enjoy at the expense of our beautiful Mother Earth. The debacle in Iraq can adequately be explained as an exchange of blood for oil. So, that inexpensive petrol really came at the expense of our brave men and women in the military (may they sheepishly retreat!).
Horrible Disaster the Third: A Fire in Belgium
Had our current President spent less of his time on disgracefully long vacations, he could have personally aided fire crews in the Low Countries, which aimed at stopping this blaze. But he was too selfish, wasn’t he?
Horrible Disaster the Fourth: A Slump in Tom Cruise’s Career
Some may blame Mr. Cruise’s odd fascination with L. Ron Hubbard and Katie Holmes (in that order) for such a slump, but the real reason is George Bush, of course. Our proof? One simple word: Halliburton.
