Another Stupid Scheme As we

Another Stupid Scheme

Yet we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are sick of our self-conscious e-kvetching. Okay, so we’re as popular as Arthur Miller at a John Birch Society meeting; so what?

Instead of our usual witless lamentations and ululations, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have come up with yet another brilliant way to attract manifold new readers. Our Official Hair-Brained Schemes Department, in fact, has been drumming up this strategy for well over an hour.

Perhaps, dear reader, you are familiar with CNN’s humdrum program “Inside Politics.” It’s hosted by Judy Woodruff, the mainstream media’s answer to Martha Stewart. And it also features Candy Crowley, who’s so fat that when she wears black it gains ten pounds. We mean, wow: That dame must be sending the Krispy Kreme family’s kids through college.

Anyway, this typically tepid CNN broadcast offers a pathetic feature called “Inside the Blogs,” or some such thing. In short, this moronic segment allows the viewer to take in the e-strolling of two dimwitted female correspondents, so that blue-haired grannies can become “hip” to Al Gore’s World-Wide Web.

As you can well imagine, dear reader, the “Inside the Blogs” bit is ferociously stupid. All the same, it does offer all kinds of exposure for the aspiring young “weblogger.” Why, these days a mention on CNN is almost half as good as a mention on Fox News—and almost twice as good as a mention on the Food Network.

Naturally, then, it was high time for “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” to appear on “Inside Politics.” Only one question remained: How would we draw in the two journalistic bimbos who shill for the program?

Well, after a few days of taking in “Inside Politics,” we happened upon a perfect solution. In a typically limp-wristed demonstration of objectivity, the chuckleheaded vixens on “Inside the Blogs” offer their viewers examples of both left-wing and right-wing “weblogs.” Unsurprisingly, however, they spend a good deal of their time mentioning conservative “websites” that buck the party line on a given issue. (Strangely, they don’t do the same with the liberal “weblogs.”)

For instance, our old friend Dr. Rusty Shackelford was featured on “Inside Politics” when he argued that Karl Rove should be compelled to leave the White House. (Anyone else remember that story?) Had our esteemed Pet Jawa proffered a vigorous defense of Mr. Rove, we have a hunch that he wouldn’t have made it to “Inside Politics.”

Clearly, then, the thing for a vaguely right-of-center “website” such as “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” to do is to offer an assortment of left-wing platitudes. This way, we are sure to get a mention on the semi-prestigious CNN network.

We can almost see Ted Turner from here. Or maybe that’s John Rocker. But we digress.

Accordingly, dear reader, below you will find our Official List of Left-Wing Platitudes. Although, to be completely honest, we don’t believe even one of them, we shall for the high-minded purpose of whoring ourselves out to basic cable.

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Left-Wing Platitudes From the Heartfelt Crack Young Staff:

1. Eleanor Clift is a very attractive young lady.

2. Cindy Sheehan should be the next Secretary of State.

3. Hurricane Katrina is all George W. Bush’s fault.

4. Any literate person can tell that Al Franken is this country’s most intelligent public intellectual.

5. Maureen Dowd is very, very funny, and very, very insightful.

6. If only George W. Bush would listen to Green Day! Think of how much better the country would be!

7. It’s time conservatives admitted it: Michael Moore is sexy.