September 21, 2005

Take Some of Our Genius

Take Some of Our Genius with You

Every once in a great while, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” receive an e-mail from a fan who isn’t a desperate banker from Nigeria in search of an account in which he can deposit 5 million dollars. Most of the time, these e-missives—unlike those from unknown Nigerians—seem intent on getting something from us. You know: A “link,” a few tips, a stool sample. That sort of thing.

As you might well imagine, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t tend to take such e-epistles seriously. Sure, we always love to “link” to our e-friends. And we’ve sent more stool samples than we can remember. But we’ve never been particularly keen on offering tips.

To be sure, dear reader, a long time ago we had an Official Advice Column, which allowed us help all of three people, if we recall correctly. All the same, we haven’t regularly dispensed with the nuggets of wisdom you naturally associate with the crack young staff.

That is to say, dear reader, until now. Whilst smugly basking in our mammoth e-profits one day, we felt a mite guilty. After all, we have successfully racked up the big bucks (without any Whammies) from our dynamite “website,” and we haven’t given much back to the community. Whilst we rake in the money from our Blogspot adverts, you haven’t got very much in return.

Frankly, dear reader, this made us feel rather ashamed. In fact, it compelled us to use today’s humble “post” as an opportunity to offer assorted words of advice and wisdom from the crack young staff. This way, you can never say you haven’t learned a thing or two from us. And it will allow us to share some of the impressive erudition that we’ve taken in over the course of our short, frivolous lives.

Without too much in the way of further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are pleased as punch to present:

The Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Desultory Bits of Advice:

1. If Comedy Central’s “Daily Show” wants to interview you, don’t accept the interview. They simply want to make fun of you.

2. Never see a movie that features a positive remark from Joel Siegel on its advertisements. This is a telltale sign that the film in question sucks.

3. Never name drop. Robin Williams once told us that it comes across as really arrogant.

4. Automobiles are manufactured with things called “turn signals.” If you learn how to use one, you may be the first person in America to do so.

5. Never trust anyone’s taste if they say they esteem any of the following people: Harry Connick Jr., Jimmy Carter, Kevin Costner, Tom Cruise, Billy Joel, Christian Slater, Andrew Lloyd Weber, any rapper.

6. Even if you think the greatest tragedy regarding hurricane Katrina is the fact that it left Aaron Neville alive, don’t say this in public.

Posted at September 21, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack