September 20, 2005
Imagine the World Without the
Imagine the World Without the Iraq War
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are simply sick and tired of the umpteen letters in each day’s New York Times that blame positively anything in the world on the Iraq War. As far as missive-writers to the Gray Lady are concerned, if it weren’t for the liberation of Iraq, the world would be a Valhalla.To many liberal epistlers, hurricane Katrina would not have ravaged the gulf coast region if President Bush had not decided to attack Iraq. And the ever-docile Muslim community would not be so implacably hostile to the West were it not for the removal of Saddam Hussein. (Apparently, the Muslim community greatly esteems a dictator whose chief claim to fame is killing countless members of the Muslim community.)
Anyway, dear reader, we can’t take any more of this mindless griping. To be sure, not all has gone well in Iraq—though not all has gone badly, either. Still, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t think we can stomach another ridiculous letter blaming everything—the fecklessness of the UN, bad hair days, Peabo Bryson—on the liberation of Iraq. It’s ridiculous, it’s pathetic, and it’s got to stop.
In order to do our part to put a halt to this rebarbative phenomenon, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have decided to take an “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em” tack. We collectively believe that offering a particularly moronic version of the typical leftist argument may win some It’s-All-the-Iraq-War’s-Fault folks over to our side. Or, at very least, it may allow them to see the errors of their ways.
To this end, dear reader, today’s humble “post” is dedicated to our take on the utopian world that we would supposedly be fortunate to enjoy had the United States and its allies not deposed Saddam Hussein. If we were left-wing dolts with no understanding of foreign policy, this is the world we’d envision without the Iraq War. Without further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” happily present:
The World Without the Iraq War—A Semi-Humorous Satirical Take on How Wonderful the World Would Be If We Had Not Decided To Depose Saddam Hussein by the Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”
Man, things sure are great here in 2005. It’s simply wonderful that President Bush decided not to attack Iraq. Although we guess it is even more fortunate for President Al Sharpton, who easily won a landslide victory over Bush, thanks to his rousing “Stay Out the Bushes” stump speech. Now, with Sharpton as president, no one in this country experiences racism, except Jews.
But so much more in the world has turned out wonderful thanks to America’s failure to remove Saddam Hussein. The Arab street has become so cheerful that it recently changed its name to the Arab boulevard. Accordingly, there’s no more terrorism in the world. After all, the terrorists merely wanted Saddam to stay in power; why else would they have attacked on 9/11?
Moreover, there are no longer any natural disasters. And former President Bush’s failure to remove Saddam Hussein has cured our tennis elbow. It also found a cure for cancer, and has ended world poverty.
As if this all weren’t good enough, now that Iraq has not been liberated, Saddam Hussein can continue with his ruthless, tyrannical ways, which will surely mean the deaths of thousands and thousands more Iraqis. If that isn’t good, what is?
