September 22, 2005

A Report from Soon-to-Be Armageddon

A Report from Soon-to-Be Armageddon

As the dutiful reader of this humble “weblog” is undoubtedly aware, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have correspondents in offices across the globe. In fact, it is thanks to our indefatigable network of national and international correspondents that we are able to offer you our product five times weekly. That is to say, without a large team of journalists, we couldn’t produce our tepid yuks each day.

Every once in a great while, however, a correspondent from one of our stately offices sends in a report that we simply must publish posthaste. And surely this was the case regarding our latest dispatch from our Corpus Christi (TX) branch.

Residents of planet earth realize that the gulf coast region of Texas may soon face the wrath of Rita, a hurricane far less lovely than the meter maid about whom the Beatles once crooned. Regarding the situation in Corpus Christi, one of our correspondents—let’s just call him “Chip”—wired us the following report, which we have placed below:

A Wire Report From Soon-to-Be Armageddon

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—All is boisterous here in this wretchedly hot city in southern Texas, as manifold residents ready themselves for the approaching hurricane. In what experts are calling the “pre-looting phase,” locals are purchasing the necessities they will require if Rita makes its way this far south.

In supermarkets across this small, cheerless Texas locale, residents are demonstrating a heartwarming spirit of selflessness. Men and women blithely knock over the elderly in order to grab the last bottle of lemon-lime Gatorade, and folks engage in fisticuffs over shopping carts.

Overall, citizens in this God forsaken city seem optimistic. Earl Johnson, a 47-year-old trucker who has lived in Corpus Christi for most of his adult life, claims that Rita is no big deal. “To be honest,” he says, “I can’t wait to see what Maureen Dowd writes about the aftermath of this storm. It’s wonderful to see her use a national tragedy as a means to rip on President Bush—whom she detested before the storm.”

Others offered similar sentiments. “Exploiting the deaths and destruction of a natural storm in order to score political points is wonderful,” said Terry McNabb, a 56-year-old insurance salesman. “If Bob Herbert doesn’t rip into Bush for this one, I’ll be mighty upset. I mean, sure, Herbert hated Bush before this, and so he is just going to use the storm to further his preexisting political goals. And he’ll have to pretend that local officials are not to blame. But I say he should have at it.”

Posted at September 22, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack