October 12, 2005

The Anatomy of a Brilliant

The Anatomy of a Brilliant Marketing Campaign

The past weekend, dear reader, saw various members of the crack young staff—let’s just call them “Chip”—perambulating in the local mall, hunting for the latest fashions. As you might imagine, the young men and women who toil away at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” are deeply interested in matters sartorial. In fact, they are wont to say such things as: “They’re our hot bodies, and we’ll do what we want.”

Accordingly, in order to look simply splendid in the cubicles at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Headquarters, a sliver of the crack young staff was dutifully playing the part of capitalist pig, engaging in a festive bout of conspicuous consumption.

Naturally, they checked out their favorite clothiers: Giorgio Armani, Gianni Versace, Baby Gap, &c. No trip would be complete, however, without the obligatory trip to Saks Fifth Avenue—the upscale version of Neiman Marcus (a.k.a. Needless Mark-Ups). Everyone who’s anyone goes there to peruse the shelves, and, it seems, to prattle on endlessly on a cellular telephone.

The store, for those of you lucky enough to be unacquainted with it, hawks overpriced clothing and furnishings, likely assembled by eight-year-old Indian girls in the course of a delightful 872-hour workweek. The salespersons at Saks are only slightly less snooty than those found at Barney’s. (Frankly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” always found the uppity staff at Barney’s a mite hilarious: We mean, come on, we’re not the ones who work at Barney’s!)

During the course of the staff’s Saks Fifth Avenue wending and weaving, “Chip” took in something particularly curious. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quartelry,” have never worked a day in clothing retail. All of the men on staff are colorblind, and the women are graduate students, and therefore too ugly to sell clothes. Q.E.D.

All the same, we feel quite certain that we understand a sufficient amount about the whims of the American shopper to declare without reservation that the most recent marketing decision of Saks Fifth Avenue may not work terribly well.

It seems, dear reader, that the advertising whizzes behind Saks think that a good way to compel people to purchase expensive clothing is through the use of goats. No, you did not read that sentence incorrectly. It did end with the word “goats.”

As shoppers at our local Saks will discover, some of the floor-space at the upscale redoubt has been handed over to plastic and plaster statues of goats. A couple of these odd animal sculptures are even clad in cravats, as if they fully accentuate the wares to be found at Saks.

Are we the only ones who find goat models a bit unsatisfying? What kind of fashion sense does the average billy-goat possess?

Well, given the habits of typical supermodels, maybe goat models aren’t such a bad idea. Surely eating tin-cans is less of a nuisance than snorting tons of cocaine.

Posted at October 12, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack