October 11, 2005
The Stars Play an Away
The Stars Play an Away Game, or Matt Damon in Detroit
Like every God-fearing, red-meat-consuming American, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have spent the past few days tuned into baseball. If you ask us—and, technically speaking, you didn’t—nothing beats a good 8 hours watching a bunch of strikingly out-of-shape “athletes” attempt to whack a fastball. After all, as boring as it may be, it’s certainly better than soccer. So take that, Latin America.Whilst we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” took in some Major League Baseball with slices of apple pie in hand, we had a somewhat interesting thought. Not, we daresay, a great thought, or a life-altering cogitation. We didn’t suddenly realize that we were truly born women, or that we secretly liked Starship. No, this was a more quotidian rumination, but an interesting rumination all the same.
Baseball players, we collectively mused, must spend a goodly part of their careers performing in front of essentially hostile audiences. Not only must they attempt to hit a 95-mile-per-hour fastball, they must do so far from the comforts of their home cities, away from their local hookers.
This strikes us as a mite difficult. To be sure, we won’t waste our emotions crying over the hardships that professional athletes must face. Last we checked, there were some nice perquisites to be had as a pro ball player. It appears as if they make a lot of money, and this may help their chances with women. Or so we’re told.
Still, we noted—and here we get to our vaguely interesting thought—that this was all vastly different from the lives of movie and television actors. Whereas athletes who represent cities must face hostile crowds, film and TV stars never do. Even if they’re on a real clunker show like “Full House.” The television audience doesn’t threaten to beat up Bob Saget for his abysmal career—even though it obviously should.
So, we wondered, why not make life more difficult for those pampered actors? They, like athletes, receive all kinds of perks, and yet they don’t have to put up with the booing and hectoring of hostile crowds. The paparazzi can’t hold a candle to two overweight clods shouting obscenities.
Frankly, dear reader, we’d love to see, say, Susan Sarandon get hissed and jeered by a stadium full of ardent detractors. Let’s see if she can act when they’re throwing beer cans at her. Sue, she can deliver a line under the best of circumstances, but can she deliver it when fans are accusing her of “being Tim Robbins’ bitch”? We collectively think not.
The problem is, dear reader, that Americans are so star-struck with celebrities that it would actually prove difficult to find a stadium full of people to yell at the likes of Tony Danza, Angelina Jolie, and Ben Afleck. As silly as that seems, it’s true.
Still, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” think we have a good solution for this vexing problem. Send all the actors to Philadelphia. The fans there are mean. And we don’t mean “normal mean.” We mean “boo and hiss little retarded children mean.”
We’re sure that inebriated Philadelphians would have no qualms with heckling Brad Pitt. And we’d love to see them do it.
