October 27, 2005

Conspiracy Theories For well over

Conspiracy Theories

For well over a year, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have endeavored to discuss numerous things we detest. The list, as you might imagine, has been long: Sundry politicians, magazines, articles, academic trends, razor blades, &c.

In today’s humble “post,” however, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aim at focusing on a more nebulous—though equally nettlesome—topic. For the benefit of those of you strangely incapable of reading the title of this humble “post,” allow us to inform you that we mean conspiracy theories.

Indeed, there is much to detest about conspiracy theories—regardless of the origin of the theory in question and the politics behind it. The very first thing to loathe, of course, is the fact that Oliver Stone likes conspiracy theories. If you ask us, dear reader, anything Oliver Stone likes—Tom Cruise, anti-American nutters, ugly sunglasses—is worthy of opprobrium in civilized circles.

As if Mr. Stone’s fascination with conspiracy theories weren’t enough to prove their lunacy, we must mention the fact that the Muslim world appears positively enraptured by them. Other than oil, conspiracy theories are pretty much the only products that the Islamic world produces these days.

Moreover, these Islamofascist conspiracies are all the same: Each one of them boils down to the notion that America and Israel are secretly behind all bad things. If this isn’t pathological, we collectively don’t know what is.

But we must add that there is a more fundamental reason to distrust any conspiracy theory—even one as superficially plausible as the notion that the cast of “Full House” is responsible for all the world’s evils.

In order to believe in conspiracy theories, one has to believe that people are sufficiently smart to be capable of conspiring. Even more, one has to believe that said smart people were sufficiently smart to get away with their conspiring, and that only the ersatz Oliver Stone types detected the brilliant plot.

Need we even discuss why this is a ridiculous view? Need we even mention the fact that, in general, people are too stupid to get away with massive, secretive conspiracies? We collectively think not.

So, dear reader, the next time someone fills you in on a juicy conspiracy theory, we recommend you hit him with a hammer. When he gets angry—and believe us, he will get angry—just blame Israel. And then ask him: How do you like that conspiracy theory, you dolt?

Posted at October 27, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack