October 28, 2005

A Gay Star Is Born?

A Gay Star Is Born?

Every once in a while—nay, every day or so—the beloved mainstream media make the most of a story, even though the average American could not care less about it. For some suspicious reason, said story usually pertains to a purportedly grand feminist accomplishment: The first woman golfer to fail in a tournament for male golfers, &c. Whilst the journalists go gaga over the tale, Americans largely ignore it.

Recently a new media-created story has come to the fore. Perhaps, like us, you’ve heard of it. Apparently, some woman named Sheryl Swoopes, an African-American “star” of the Women’s National Basketball Association has “come out” as a lesbian.

The New York Times, which hardly mentioned odious George Galloway’s knavish pocketing of money intended for poor Iraqis, spilt much ink over this fact. Apparently, a prominent British politician getting caught taking bribes from Saddam isn’t as important as the private life of one of the Houston Comets—whoever they are.

Are we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” the only people on God’s green earth who don’t give a hoot about this at all? We mean, come on: A “star” of the WNBA isn’t exactly a star, now is she? According to the Gray Lady, she is the “first high-profile African-American basketball player to come out as gay.”

Um, excuse us, but no one in the WNBA is “high-profile.” The only people who recognize female basketball players are yokels living in Connecticut, who are forced to root for such nonsense, because they inhabit a state without nice cities. That’s what you get for Bridgeport, folks.

In addition, may we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly suggest that a lesbian basketball player isn’t exactly a shocking scandal? It’s like a gay interior decorator. Who would have thunk it?

Now, dear reader, don’t get us wrong: We haven’t any problems with Ms. Swoopes’ personal choices. If she’s here, and she’s queer, we’re used to it. After all, it’s not as if the male members of the crack young staff had much of a shot with her to begin with. And the ladies? Please: They are all graduate students, and too ugly to bag Ms. Swoopes. Q.E.D.

So we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” say a hearty, Oprah-esque “You Go, Girl” to Ms. Swoopes. May she be happy for the rest of her days. But don’t feed us this nonsense about her being “prominent.”

There are janitors with higher profiles than Ms. Swoopes—and some of them are straight.

Further, we have reason to doubt the accuracy of the Times’s reporting: Is Ms. Swoopes really the first African-American basketball player to exit the closet? What about “Magic” Johnson? If you ask us—and we know you didn’t—he’s a bit of a switch hitter. If you catch our sports metaphor.

Posted at October 28, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack