October 31, 2005

Busy as a B Minus

Busy as a B Minus

As far as we have gleaned from countless hours of television in our copious hours of leisure, we inhabit a fast-paced world, a world in which darn near everyone is as busy as a bee. Rush, rush, rush—this is the mindset of countless Americans, in addition to being the name of a feculent Canadian power trio.

Are we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” the only people who have realized that this “I’m so darn busy” business is irksome? We mean, come on: Most people work at jobs so witless that they can be replaced by a heavy paperweight. So why must everyone constantly natter on about the hectic pace of their dull lives?

Although the “I’m so darn busy” routine always rankles, it is particularly nettlesome when coming from the mouth of the college undergraduate. According to most sophomores, it seems, life doesn’t get any harder than the 15 pages they are supposed to read for Wednesday—and invariably don’t read.

Oh, you poor dears: You’re taking four undergraduate classes! Gosh, how will you have time in your busy schedule to miss half the lectures, skip all the reading, and cultivate a rip-roaring case of dipsomania? How will you keep up with your rigorous acquaintance rape schedule? Life is tough, Mr. Tyro.

From all of their carrying on, you’d think that the typical university student were secretary of state, for crying out loud. You’d think that sundry factory workers were thanking their lucky stars that they aren’t college freshmen. Sure, it’s tough putting toothpaste caps on toothpaste tubes for 10-hour shifts, but at least you don’t have to sleep through “Feminism and Pornography” class.

To be sure, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” must admit that there is one exception to our We Hate College Students Who Whine About How Busy They Are Rule: College students who work full time. Naturally, those young ones taking in a full load of courses and slaving away at CVS deserve nothing but praise.

But everyone else? They’re a passel of obnoxious crybabies, if you ask us. And don’t have the audacity to play the “What About Athletes” card. As everyone in these here United States of America knows full well, big-time college athletes aren’t students. Unless you count “Screwing Women” as a major.

Scholar-athletes? Please.

Posted at October 31, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack