June 16, 2008
The Lost “City”?
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t like to seem cruel. After all, we consider Nick Lowe’s exhortation “You gotta’ be cruel to be kind” entirely wrongheaded. Not to mention, the lyrics to a horrible pop song, to boot.
In fact, we consider our kindness—nay, our compassion—amongst the most important of our attributes. Kindness may not be next to godliness, but, if you ask us, it’s nearer than, say, Billy Joel.
All the above remarks should warn you, dear reader, that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are poised to say something unkind. Distinctly unkind, in fact. Downright mean, even.
So, please realize, dear reader, that we offer today’s commentary with a collective heavy heart. We do not, we must stress, take great delight in presenting such nasty thoughts.
And yet, we feel we must. The crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has a duty to the Truth, and by golly we’re going to stick by it. If the Truth is good enough for honest to goodness patriots like Col. Oliver North and John Poindexter (or was that Buster Poindexter?), it’s sure as shingles good enough for us. Without further ado, then, we offer up a malignant animadversion. Prepare yourself, Flyover Country.
Recent e-strolling round Al Gore’s World Wide-Web has informed us that a portion of these here United States of America is under water. One e-article on the subject declares that, “Flooding Puts Cedar Rapids, Much of Iowa Under Water.” Something called the Drudge Report “linked” to said article with the headline “The Lost City of…Iowa,” or some such.
To which we humbly reply: The lost city of Iowa? Uh, does Iowa have any cities? If it does, how come we can’t recall any?
If you ask us, we’re glad that Al Gore’s Gods of Global Warming decided to strike such a ridiculous portion of the United States anyway. We mean, come on: It’s Iowa. It’s pretty much Mexico’s northern annex. Oh, no: The floods have ruined all that…grass.
Alas! Alas! The floodwaters have come close to the sanctified purlieus of the University of Iowa! Oh, dear. How will all the corn-fed yokels learn their Readin’, Ritin’, and Rithmatic’?
Will civilization outlast the flooding of Iowa State? We hope it will be so, but we collectively doubt it.
Before you get in a huff, dear reader, please be kind enough to recognize that we previously informed you that our words weren’t terribly kind. After all, these poor slack-jawed hicks are busy salvaging their John Deer tractors and butter churners, and we’re off making fun of them. Not, we daresay, very nice at all.
So, from here on out, we won’t mention the fact that we’re glad Global Warming took out its wrath on one of the worst of these here United States. Save Nebraska, perhaps. We won’t implore the Gods of Global Warming to hit South Dakota next. That would be unfeeling and rude to our fan(s) in the nation’s heartland.
In fact, our intemperate outburst has compelled us to give up some of our hard-earned money to help clean up after the disaster in Iowa. And we officially exhort our reader(s) to do likewise. Ah, the selflessness of the crack young staff.
We knew that kinder sentiments would prevail.