Shock of All Shocks

CNN has just reported it. We hope, dear reader, you are sitting down when you read this news. It’s a real shocker. Hold on to your hats.

Iran, it turns out, refuses to cave in to pressure to abandon its incipient nuclear program. Yep: We told you it was mind-blowing news. We hope you’ll recover soon. (Of course, if you believe the latest NIE report, Iran is nothing but rainbows and smily-faces anyway.)

After all, the Europeans, the UN, Russia, and the United States have been attempting to halt Iran’s dangerous progress in nuclear technology for years now. And somehow those loveable mullahs in Iran just won’t give in. Crazy, isn’t it?

Accordingly, once every two weeks, it seems, CNN bestows upon us a resplendent new headline that reads “Iran Refuses to Budge on Nuclear Plan,” or some such. And, to the realist establishment, this must be some surprise. They refuse to budge? How very odd.

We mean, come on: Our anti-neocon friends can’t stop bleating about the cardinal virtue of diplomacy, soft power, and the like. And yet, when we try our best to rein in Iran through a variety of carrots and sticks…nothing happens.

Gee, it’s as if a horrible despotic regime doesn’t bargain like democratic nations do. It’s as if a horrible despotic regime partially backed by Russia and China doesn’t fear the sorts of watered-down sanctions the UN can throw at it.

Who would have seen this coming?

Now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t pine for conflict with Iran. It would be hunky dory with us if there were some massive uprising in the country, which overthrew the mad mullahs.

But we shouldn’t allow our disdain for military conflicts drift us into un-reality. Barack Obama appears to believe that a nice Oprah-style chat with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will clear everything right up.

And he’s a fool. Tyrannical regimes do not uphold agreements. They must be dealt with forcefully.