In Praise of the Serious Press

As every literate American knows, The New York Times bills itself as the Paper of Record. In fact, this datum is so well known that even a few non-literate folks (i.e., college students) recognize it.

Accordingly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” turn to the Gray Lady with great regularity for rousing reflections on the sober and important stories of the day. This ain’t The New York Post or The Sun, after all, and thus we can expect serious coverage of serious topics.

The November 23 number of the Times carries a perfect example of what we mean. The irrepressible (yet often repressed) Jodi Kantor offers a report in said issue that sports the appealing title “Where the Votes Are, So Are the Calories.”

A very useful piece, don’t you think? The dedicated editors and editrixes at the Times sure thought so, and thus offered it prominent placement on their paper’s “website.” Clearly, this is the sort of thing that the Paper of Record needs to record.

Don’t believe us? Then take in the first few paragraphs of Ms. Kantor’s crucial election coverage:

Running for president is like entering a competitive eating contest and a beauty pageant all at once. Candidates are expected to eat local specialties often and with gusto, yet still look attractive and fit.

So it is no wonder that many of this year’s candidates have what might be called food issues — the same kinds that plague the rest of us, especially at this time of year, but exacerbated by the brutal demands of campaign life.

The Democratic contenders include Gov. Bill Richardson, a veteran of the Atkins and liquid diets who wears a double chin despite daily workouts. Senator Barack Obama, who was chubby as a child, refers to himself as skinny in speeches and barely touches fatty foods — except at events like the Iowa State Fair, where he ate caramel corn, pork and a corn dog for the cameras. At one campaign event, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton said she prayed to God to help her lose weight.

We know what you’re thinking, dear reader: Thanks, New York Times, for such serious coverage of important political matters. Personally, we don’t give a darn where the candidates stand on the important issues of the day; rather, we care only about their weight loss strategies.

After all, Ms. Kantor’s article is of potentially great use to the millions and millions of us who are planning to run for president but who hadn’t contemplated the ways in which such a candidacy might effect our waistlines. If that isn’t helpful, we collectively don’t know what is.