Imposter Universities

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are nothing if not resourceful. And, since Descartes has amply demonstrated why we are not nothing, it seems as clear as day that we are, in fact, resourceful.

Whilst you mull that in your head a bit, dear reader, we must hit you with the reason for our discussion of our well nigh preternatural resourcefulness. In short, it is because our Official Ideas and Schemes Department has hit upon another glorious idea.

Yep: It’s pretty much as good as “Edward Said: The Musical” and our “Academic Superstars Calendar.” Impressive company in the world of marketing, eh? Yeah: We think so.

Right about now, you are undoubtedly asking yourselves: “What sort of hair brained genius has the crack young staff come up with now?” Or a sentiment to that general effect.

Well, let us tell you. As the title of this humble “post” reads, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” pine to inaugurate what we’ll call imposter universities.

And what, pray tell, is an imposter university? Well, it’s much like an imposter fragrance, only far more related to higher education. And, unlike your lame rip-off of Drakar Noir (you inveterate townie), imposter universities may very well get you laid.

Allow us to explain. Lots and lots of folks hope to attend Stanford University, the chi-chi institution of higher drinking found somewhere in God-forsaken California. As it turns out, however, not everyone can get in to that school. Unless you’re an African-American transgendered Navaho who served in Vietnam (or legacy), you actually don’t stand much of a shot.

That’s where our imposter university kicks in. Sometime in the near future, we’ll set up a college in Stamford, Connecticut. Its name? Why, Stamford University, natch.

Thanks to us, only the most nitpicky employer will recognize that you didn’t study English literature at an overrated campus on the West coast, but got a degree in dog grooming from some pathetic hole-in-the-wall. Oh, and you minored in mail fraud.

Call us bleeding heart egalitarians. We don’t care. We’ve been called a lot worse, in fact. Like warthogs.

Still, we pine to allow everyone the opportunity to sniff at the stuff of academic achievement. Just because you wore a helmet when you attended high school (and weren’t on the team), that’s no reason to stop you from earning a BA from “Cornel University,” “Amerst College,” and “Amory University.”