The Foolproof Guide to Anti-Bush Mania

As you may well know, dear reader, George W. Bush is still president of these here United States of America. And let’s be honest: To many, many people all across this great land of ours, that’s unfortunate.

Few are more upset about current political vicissitudes, dear reader, than those with a nasty case of Anti-Bush Mania. You know the sort of folks we mean: The kind of people who vote for Dennis Kucinich, wear lots of hemp, and believe in all kinds of diversity—except for a diversity of opinion.

Yep, to those folks—who have many a prominent perch on Al Gore’s Internet—the ongoing presidency of George W. Bush is nothing short of an Orwellian nightmare. Thanks to the current administration, all sorts of horrors are being unleashed on us all: Little Navaho children are being needlessly tortured; the government is spying on all third-graders; Twinkies are now forbidden; &c.

To make matters worse, there have been a few glimmers of promise for the Bush administration in recent weeks. Although the jury is most assuredly not out, the situation in Iraq is steadily improving, as the surge begins to work. Even such obvious Bush-haters as The New York Times editorial page and Katie Couric are begrudgingly admitting the recent success.

Further, no terrorist attacks have taken place on American soil post-9/11 (knock on wood). In fact, our government has even stopped a plot here or there—none of which appears to have been in a particularly advanced stage.

All of this quite naturally leads to the following quandary: What’s a Bush-hating nutter to do about this unfortunate good news for the US? How can one manage to pump out the same message about a neo-fascist cabal currently destroying America if things keep on getting rosier?

Well, that’s where we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” come in. Our Official Great Ideas Department has—mirabile dictu—come up with a great idea, one that will aid our rabid left-wing pal.

We call it “The Foolproof Guide to Anti-Bush Mania” and we think it’ll be a real lifesaver. If we know anything about our hardcore left-wing pals, we know that they don’t much care for thinking. It’s far easier, after all, to brandish bromidic placards than to bother with all that messy cogitation.

So we do all your thinking for you. We provide the unfortunate circumstance, and we provide your sophomoric response as well. Here’s a little sample of the genius:

1) What do you say when…the US government catches a terrorist?

A) Inform your friends that this merely proves that law enforcement—not military solutions—is the true way to stop extremism.
2) What do you do when…the US government fails to catch a terrorist?

A) Blame the Bush administration for gross negligence. Is this the reason we handed over all our freedoms to the Bush junta?

3) What do you do when…violence in Iraq decreases?

A) Inform your buddies that this proves that American forces are not needed in Iraq and should head home posthaste.

4) What do you do when…violence in Iraq increases?

A) Inform you buddies that this proves that American forces are not needed in Iraq and should head home poasthaste.

What, friends, could be easier than our “Foolproof Guide to Anti-Bush Mania”? It’s a veritable start-up kit for the aspiring Mike Gravel supporter!