Perfection on a Stick

“You guys are too negative.” So reads the opening line to a missive we recently received in our e-mail box. “The world isn’t as bad you think.”

Well, well, well: Pardon us for our un-rosy disposition. Wouldn’t you think that a “website” with the name “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” would be really, really cheery? We’re not certain about you, but we assuredly would.

And so, dear reader, it appears as if a few amongst you consider us a bit of a downer. Not, we daresay, a colossal downer—an Al-Gore-just-showed-up-at-my-party-and-can’t-stop-nattering-on-about-climate-change downer—but a downer nonetheless.

Perhaps these readers—who, we must note, are a bit of a downer to us—are correct. Maybe we offer an unfairly curmudgeonly take on the contemporary world. Maybe you’d have to check out a “website” with a title like “The Lovemonger’s Quarterly” to make up for our somber whining.

Now, normally, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” take such criticism and throw it directly into the trash. Well, first we scoff at it knowingly, and then we give it a good toss.

In this case, however, we’re willing to make amends. Not, we should add, major amends, but a minor movement in the direction of pleasing our relentlessly negative critics.

That is to say, dear reader, in today’s humble “post,” we aim to be sickeningly saccharine. We’ll be mindlessly jubilant. We’ll be uproariously upbeat. In short, we’ll make Kelly Ripa seem like Vincent van Gogh. (Minus the talent, of course.)

Many moons ago, as our ancestors used to say, we pioneered a bit of a break from our usual negativistic high jinks. To this end, we offered an extremely intermittent series of “posts” with an un-humorously longwinded title. Said series was indebted to discussing a few things that made life worth living.

And, of course, grumps that we are, we let that sorry series die. But, in today’s humble “post,” we revive it. Yes, sir: In this humble installment of our “weblog,” we discuss one of life’s little joys.

What, you may be asking yourself, deserves this uncommon honor? Why, Bachman Pretzel Rods, of course. Don’t laugh: To our minds, Bachman Pretzel Rods are one of the great products of Western civilization. You know, like the printing press and the discovery of germ theory.

If you haven’t had these little tasty devils, allow us to inform you that you are most assuredly missing out. These are not just ordinary pretzel rods you happen upon in your local supermarket. Nope: For some reason, Bachman products can only be found in extremely run-down shops—the type of places that make you lose your appetite and worry about your wallet.

Yet they’re fully worth the trip to the nearest murder-mart. We can’t quite explain it, but nothing else tastes like them.

So, there you go, party poopers. We’ve collectively taken a gander at the sunny side. Life may be unremittingly miserable, but there’s always Bachman Pretzel Rods.