“Hypocrite!” Cries the Hypocrite

Why, oh, why do we do it? As we have mentioned oft in this space, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” simply despise bumper stickers. These vehicular eyesores inevitably ruin our collective days.

And yet, for some unknown reason, upon spying the merest outline of another bumper sticker, we always do our level best to take a peek at it up-close. Although we ineluctably find them obtuse, we’ll go to great lengths to check out bumper stickers. Annoying, is it not?

Well, it certainly was the other day, when one of our senior editors—let’s just call him “Chip”—took a glance at an automobile brimming with bumper stickers. You know the type, dear reader: A compact car filled with more slogans than a peace rally.

What are the chances that “Chip” would enjoy any bumper sticker on such a vehicle? Just about nil, we’d wager. But this didn’t stop “Chip” from getting his gray Honda Civic good and close to this car, in an attempt to glance at sundry examples of liberal fatuity.

Oh, and it certainly paid off. Prominently placed on the automobile in question was the following slogan, which “Chip” had yet to see on other back bumpers:

Pro-Life and Pro-War? I’m Anti-Hypocrite, Thanks

Even judged amongst all the obnoxious and nonsensical bumper stickers we’ve seen, surely this sticks out as notably horrid.

First, we suppose we ought to mention that this bumper sticker offers rather twisted logic. In short, it charges those who oppose abortion yet support wars (any wars, we guess) with rank hypocrisy. Yet there are plenty of ways to describe this purported discrepancy without recourse to the word “hypocrisy.”

Certainly the taking of a life in a just war is different from performing an abortion. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” happen to be pro-choice, but we don’t for a moment believe that pro-lifers must be ardent pacifists. It’s more than a bit ridiculous to assert that you can’t be pro-life because, say, you supported America’s defeat of Nazi Germany on the battlefield.

Ah, but the bumper sticker gets even more fatuous. For, if the owner of this sticker believes that being pro-life and pro-war is hypocritical, this of necessity makes being pro-choice and anti-war hypocritical as well.

Now, we guess that it’s within the realm of possibility that the person who stuck this slogan on his or her car is either pro-life and anti-war or pro-choice and pro-war, and hence would not be considered a hypocrite by the dubious illogic of this bumper sticker. But the other stickers on this car made it crystal clear that the automobile’s owner is ardently pro-choice and anti-war.

Gosh, this moron is calling himself or herself a hypocrite, and doesn’t even realize it. Boy, that’s really, really dumb.