Martian Eyewear

Everyone on God’s green earth (which is, we might add, heating up at an alarming rate) seems to despise rich little Paris Hilton. (A few people despise Rich Little, but that’s the topic for another “post.”) It appears as if one simply can’t turn anywhere without taking in some vitriolic response to the pampered heiress’s shenanigans. In many circles, Ms. Hilton is less popular than herpes—or Rob Schneider.

Now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” consider this all well and good—up to a point. Clearly, Ms. Hilton is on the vapid, sluttish side of the visible spectrum, and so it’s nice to see that her drink-addled antics have ruffled some American feathers.

All the same, we couldn’t help but notice that this orgy of Hilton-bashing (Paris Hilton, not Hilton Kramer) is a bit facile, a bit easy. We can all point to Ms. Hilton as the veritable Goddess of Wealthy Classlessness, but how many of us would—if we possessed Ms. Hilton’s riches—act in a similarly unflattering manner?

We mention this, dear reader, as the result of our noticing something that figuratively tends to fly past our figurative radar screens. A handful of perambulations round any major city will demonstrate that young gals—and some not so young gals—are taken with a style of sunglasses one could best describe as Martian.

You know the sort of thing we mean: Big, bug-eyed glasses. The type of eyewear that may seem hip nowadays, but, a few years hence, will look like spectacles’ answer to bell bottoms and wide ties. Mark our collective words: People will soon laugh at such glasses with disbelief. Wiping the tears of joy from their eyes, they’ll ask themselves: “How could girls want to look so stupid?”

So far, you might notice, we have yet to make our eyewear-Paris Hilton connection. But the astute reader will see it coming all along. More than any other celebrity (or faux celebrity), these bug sunglasses are associated in the popular imagination with Paris Hilton. Sure, Nicole Ritchie too, but primarily with Ms. Hilton. For some reason, the heiress just can’t get enough of these ugly things.

Why, one might reasonably wonder, would gals pine to look like a woman so thoroughly despised in the popular press? What makes them excoriate Ms. Hilton’s antics one moment and hunt for Paris-like eyewear the next?

Oh, the hypocrisy! Although few would admit it, we have the hunch that many women feel a twinge of Paris Envy. And, sadly enough, it’s sufficiently bad to compel them to wear Marvin the Martian’s sunglasses.