Total Breakdown

As happens with some regularity, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” took a gander at a collection of our most recent “posts” and recognized that something was missing. Largely thanks to our continued nattering about political matters, we haven’t offered up a good thrashing in some time.

You know: A primo excoriation. A cornucopia of contumely. A Buster Douglas, if you will.

It is with great aplomb (and a few plums), then, that we get down to brass tacks and deliver up a sound drubbing. Let the games begin. And we think you’ll agree that this hectoring is well deserved.

Now, as citizens of these here United States of America, we know full well how little people agree these days. Partisanship is all the rage. Which, according to professional loony-tune Ralph Nader, is odd, since apparently there’s no difference between any politicians except for Mr. Nader himself. Funny, that.

Even though we cannot, pace Rodney King, all get along, we can certainly see eye-to-eye about one thing. From Alabama to Arkansas, from Oklahoma to Ohio, and from one state you wouldn’t dare live in to another state you wouldn’t dare live in, this phenomenon irks us all.

We refer, dear reader, to people who drive in a highway’s breakdown lane during traffic jams. Sure, it’s a niggling distress, but it bothers all the same. Kind of like that silly North Korean dictator.

After all, such roadside theatrics are a giant snub to law-abiding drivers everywhere. The breakdown-lane speeder might as well say to us: “Hey, losers, you can sit in traffic all day with your pathetic lives, but I’ve got to be places.”

To alter Jerry Seinfeld ever so slightly, who are these people who drive in the breakdown lane? What are they—secretary of state? How much of a jackass do you have to be to believe that your business is far more important than that of everyone else waiting in traffic?

If you ask us, only medical emergencies and sincere car failures warrant a trip to the breakdown lane. Other than that, folks should have the opportunity to shoot at people who take this sordid root.

Maybe it’s a bit extreme, but just sit in stop-and-go traffic for a few hours and we think you’ll see it our way.