Introducing the Feminist-Approved Bad Date Buy-Back Plan

If we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” know anything about feminists, it’s that they’re almost preternaturally fair. Not for them the naked power play. (Or the naked anything else, for that matter.) Nope: Our feminist pals care only about making the world a more equitable place.

For this reason, dear reader, our feminist buddies would never, say, feminize education in the United States to such an extreme extent that girls routinely outperform boys at nearly every mark of intellectual achievement. And, having done so, they certainly wouldn’t continue with their anti-male education reforms—until, it seems, American boys become nothing but knuckle-dragging illiterates.

But surely the greatest example of female concern for fair play relates to the so-called gender pay gap. You know all about that: According to our feminist friends, American women earn less than two cents for every male dollar. Or some such.

It’s kind of a fiscal version of the feminist rape myth: Eight out of every seven girls have been the victim of a sexual assault. And nine out of every seven perpetrators have been Duke lacrosse players.

In deference to feminist concern over the gender pay gap, we have devised our own little system to redress the disgraceful economic inequity of the sexes. After all, every female construction worker can easily outperform her male colleagues: Why shouldn’t she get equal pay?

Okay, so former NOW board member Warren Farrell has demonstrated that women receive lower salaries because they work fewer hours, take more vacations, and, overall, tend to be less valuable employees. That shouldn’t stop them from taking home half of the bacon, now should it?

But enough about that. Allow us to explain the basics of our system. We call it the Bad Date Buy-Back Plan, and we’re sure you’ll agree it’s a beacon of fiscal fairness. Pretty soon, Ms. magazine will offer its official endorsement, we’ll bet.

So, how does it work? Well, as we said before, feminists care about nothing so much as economic gender equality. And, since they’re clamoring to earn as much as the stronger sex, we figure that they’ll soon aim to address the disparities in social spending between men and women.

That is to say, regardless of our country’s famously successful feminist movement (you go, girl), men routinely pay for dates with women. (Huh: For some reason Andrea Dworkin never addressed that issue. Go figure.) If we are going to make America into a beacon of gender Communism, we can’t very well let that go unresolved.

And here’s where our Bad Date Buy-Back Plan kicks in. Males should keep tabs of all the extra money they spend on their lady friends. Anytime their relationships end, they simply supply their former gal pal with a bill to be paid in full.

Yep: With our plan, women finally will be able to feel the exciting rush of economic self-sufficiency. No longer will they be forced to lean on the financial arms of their significant others. In short, no more free drinks, no more free dinners. Free at last!

Why do we have the sneaking suspicion that our feminist buddies won’t hurry to address this issue? Perhaps they’ll rush to this matter right after they take issue with the sexist term “garbage man.” We mean, come on: Can’t women remove garbage for a living too?