Rudy McCain

Although we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have yet to offer our proverbial two cents on the upcoming presidential election and tell the world for whom we aim to plump, we suppose our coming clean won’t be too much of a shock. Devoted reader(s) of this humble “weblog” undoubtedly will be surprised to learn that we do not, in fact, aim to support either Mike Gravel (D-Crazy Tundra) or Ron Paul (R-Libertarian Nut-Job).

Ah, who would have guessed it? As it turns out, we’re pretty much John McCain fans. (Except for the few creeping royalists among us. And, truth be told, they seem more interested in haberdashery than politics.)

Yes, we know, we know, we know: Senator McCain’s campaign is supposedly in Full Implosion Mode. He’s supposedly sinking faster than Rosie O’Donnell in a vat of quicksand. What’s more, lots of conservatives distrust him, given his maverick stances on the environment, taxes, immigration, &c.

Still, we think he’s peachy keen. Though we don’t agree with him on everything, we find his consistently hawkish stance on Islamofascism music to our ears. He’s also a man of principle, who’s willing to take the heat for standing up for unpopular causes. (Ever heard of the Iraq War?)

Now, we must stress that we have positive impressions of a few other presidential candidates. On the Democratic side, Joe Biden knows quite a lot about foreign policy. It’s too bad he’s a veritable gaffe machine. In the absence of a strong moderate Democratic contender—Ben Nelson, Joe Lieberman, or Evan Bayh, for example—we think Biden is as good as it gets on the Democrat side.

Amongst the Republicans, we must admit that we’ve taken a shine to Mayor Rudy. He’s good and moderate on many social issues—as are most of us crack young staffers. (Except for the aforementioned royalists.) And he has a good sense of what the West faces in the War on Terrorism.

All the same, we have to say that Mayor Giuliani makes us a bit nervous. Sure, he can run the sordid world of Big Apple politics, but is he ready for the nitty-gritty of the national scene? His unfortunate trumpeting of Bernard Kerik may just suggest he’s not.

But some good folks find themselves in Rudy’s camp. The intelligent and thoughtful moderate Fred Siegel has composed a paean for Giuliani; obviously, he’s a believer.

In addition, we learn from Joshua Micah Marshall’s “weblog” that Norman Podhoretz has signed on as a key foreign policy advisor for the Rudy camp. To Mr. Marshall, this is a portent of doom: How dare Rudy saddle up with a major voice in American conservatism?

To the normally grounded Mr. Marshall, Mr. Podhoretz is a “crackpot.” (Mr. Podhoretz thinks we may just have to attack Iran; how ghastly! The real solution is to sit by and watch the Jewish genocide, of course.)

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” reply: Yeah, whatever. We’d be more likely to take Josh Micah Marshall seriously if he recognized that “thusly” is a non-word. (“Thus” is a perfectly good adverb, dummy.)

So, Mr. Marshall, we say shut your trap, you crackpot. To us, Mr. Podhoretz’s presence on Rudy’s team makes the former mayor of New York only that much more intriguing. We still greatly esteem Senator McCain, but if things go badly for him, perhaps we’ll plump for Rudy faster than you can say “thusly.”