Cruisin’ for the Common Man

By now, everyone has heard of the withering epithet “limousine liberal.” You know the type: The Ben & Jerry’s sort of “progressive” who earns a mid-range six-figure salary but still considers himself a hippie at heart and proves it by voting for Kucinich. He’s a kind of feel-good capitalist—who won’t admit he’s a capitalist at all.

As annoying as the “limousine liberal” is, however, we’re pretty sure that he pales in comparison to the “cruise Communist.” And what, you may be asking yourself, is a cruise Communist?

We’re glad that you asked. Whilst checking out the inspiringly common un-wisdom from the “website” of The Nation, we happened upon an advertisement for an official Nation cruise (July 28 to August 4—there’s still time to sign up). It offers a whole week on the poop deck with such rabidly left-wing personalities as Ralph Nader, Victor Navasky, Katrina vanden Heuvel, and Robert Scheer.

Ah, a seven-day cruise—what could be more “progressive” than that? You can play shuffleboard in your Sperry topsiders with Patricia “Diary of a Mad Law Professor Who Can’t Argue Her Way out of a Wet Paper Bag” Williams. Presumably the cruise liner will feature John Edwards’ barber on board, so the ultra-rich Nation-readers can get a quick $1,235 haircut in between bleating on about the horrors of the free market.

Are we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” the only ones who find this sort of fancy-pants lefty fete a mite ridiculous? It’s kind of like a National Review-sponsored orgy. (Okay: A National Review-sponsored orgy might be equally hypocritical, but it’s also a lot creepier. Already we can’t get visions of Jonah Goldberg out of our heads.)

At the current moment, the Nation cruise does not feature its itinerary, as it has not yet been set in stone. (Maybe Hugo Chavez will turn up this year. Yet maybe he’s too busy shutting down all opposition voices to his tyranny to make an appearance.) But this led us to think of a few choice events the cruise must offer its high-paying participants:

Friday, 1:00pm: “Keith Olbermann on Economic Inequality” Champagne Will Be Served; Bring Your Squash Racquet

Friday, 2:00pm: “The Evils of America/Karaoke Contest with Tariq Ali”
Until You’ve Heard Tariq’s Version of “Girls Just Wanna’ Have Fun,” You Haven’t Lived

Friday, 4:00pm: “Ralph Nader on the Twilight of America”
On the Tanning Deck; Don’t Forget to Bring Your Sun Lotion

Friday, 5:00pm: “Katrina vanden Heuvel Discusses How Not to Be a Complete Left-Wing Hypocrite”

Ah, the Nation’s cruise—Marx on your starboard and Engels on your port. A truly revolutionary event.