You (Heart) Self-Esteem

The other day, dear reader, was magical: The sun was shining, a light breeze was blowing, and there was no sign of Billy Joel anywhere in sight. In fact, there was no soft rock within earshot. It was, as we have previously mentioned, magical.

One of the junior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—was enjoying this blissful day by taking a charming post-prandial walk round the neighborhood. And, on his way back to “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Headquarters, he spied the darndest thing.

What was it? Well, we’re glad you asked. A gal of college age was walking past “Chip,” bedecked in those ugly bug-eye sunglasses the Paris Hilton set fancy. She was heavy-set and a bit plain looking.

Not, to be sure, the oddest sight. But here’s the kicker: Said girl was bedecked in a T-shirt emblazoned with the following logo: “I (heart) FRAT BOYS.” Yup, you read that right: This coquettish lass was positively advertising her esteem for fraternity fellahs.

Now, “Chip” thought, given this girl’s weight and countenance, the more interesting question is whether frat boys (heart) this girl. Further, “Chip” wondered how many Milwaukee’s Bests these Lambda Sigma Delta boys would need to be bowled over by the nugatory charms of this marginal damsel.

But never mind that. Rather, imagine what’s going on—or isn’t going on—in this sorry girl’s head. She’s blithely informing the world—in broad daylight, no less—that she loves the loathsome, inebriated acquaintance rapists who attend her university. Not terribly classy, is it?

In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are happy to suggest a few different T-shirt slogans, which this poor lass can wear with a little more pride. How about these winners…

“I AM NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE, BUT I MAKE UP FOR THAT BY BEING VERY, VERY EASY”

“SELF-ESTEEM ELUDES ME”

Now there are some wholesome slogans for a little college hussy.