A Witless Scheme for Attention, or Watch Out, Ann Coulter

It’s sad but it’s true. No one pays attention to this humble “weblog.” Sure, sure, sure: That was a bit of an overstatement. After all, John Podhoretz, scion of neoconservative royalty, once heartily praised our efforts. And Britt Hume troubled himself to fix our grammar.

Still, truth be told, “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” isn’t a major attraction on Al Gore’s World-Wide Web, like Glenn Reynolds’ “website” or tasteful midget pornography. We, unlike Lindsey Lohan, are simply not built for every man.

Accordingly, despite our quasi-best efforts, we often struggle to gain readers’ attention. For some reason or other, it appears as if scabrous excoriations of so-called rock-n-roll music don’t bring in boatfuls of browsers. Nor, incidentally, does the phrase “scabrous excoriations.” (Well, you learn something new every day, don’t you?)

This, as you might imagine, dear reader, has mightily depressed us. Sure, our humble “website” has a few big days each year, with “links” from the likes of Andrew Sullivan, K.C. Johnson, James Taranto, Stefan Beck, et al. Even so, we, like J.J. and his nuclear family in the old sit-com “Good Times,” often struggle hard just to survive. (Thankfully, we’ve yet to run into any “easy-credit rip-offs.” Well, other than the ones from Nigeria we receive in the e-mailbox each day.)

It’s high time, then, that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” put an end to our e-treading of water. Like Peter Gabriel, we need to make it Big Time.

But how to do it? A tough question, that.

Not, we dare say, for the Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Ideas and Schemes Department. The lads and lasses who make up the Ideas and Schemes Department are nothing short of geniuses. It was on their advice, for example, that Barack Obama complained about the millions of Americans killed during the recent tornado in Kansas. And that remark sure worked well for him.

Well, in our case, the Ideas and Schemes Department recommends we write a book so outrageously and offensively over-the-top that the cable news chat shows feel compelled to weigh in on our shenanigans. You know, a screed with a title such as Women, Minorities, and Other Problems.

Sure, such a tome will certainly eliminate what little intellectual respectability a “website” with the name “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” could muster. But that would be a slim price to pay if it made us rich and famous.

Naturally, this is what Ann Coulter was thinking. Who else would write a monograph charging the entire Democratic Party with treason? For some odd reason, this works: Moronic pundits criticize her ad nauseam, as if her vapidities weren’t beneath contempt. And then, of course, she winds up rolling in the dough.

So, perhaps, dear reader, you can forget about our carefully wrought “posts.” They never got us anywhere. Instead, we’re heading to the gym: It’s about time we started working on turning ourselves into leggy blondes. See you on “Scarborough Country.”