Love Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry

Remember those heady days when you could ponder the words “Duke” and “lacrosse” and not immediately think of the word “rape”? Admittedly, reasonably sane people never think of the word “lacrosse”—and tend to ponder “Duke” only when thinking about college basketball or, perhaps, Frederic Jameson’s torturous prose. Still, those pre-Duke lacrosse non-rape days were wonderful days indeed.

But, like Johnny Cochran, they are with us no longer. Whether one likes it or not, Duke lacrosse teams past, present, and future will conjure up mental pictures of the recently dismissed non-rape case. In all likelihood, those three falsely accused boys will be remembered solely for their unfortunate roles in this fiasco.

Undoubtedly, as the result of this brouhaha, lives have been forever altered. That may sound a bit histrionic, but we think it’s true. (Frankly, when Oprah’s busy quoting Maya Angelou during her discussion with the Rutgers University women’s basketball team, one feels almost inured to histrionics.) So we’ll say it again: Thanks to the Duke non-rape case, lives have been forever altered.

We don’t know about you, dear reader, but we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” feel much, much better knowing that Mike Nifong, the thoroughly disgraced Durham District Attorney, feels bad about all of this. As the Associated (With Terrorists) Press reports, Mr. Nifong has formally apologized to his three long-term victims.

Sorry I took a year of your life away, he must have said. Or far less truthful words to that general effect.

Gosh, we can certainly rest easy now. Mike Nifong is sorry. He’s apologized. Well, gee: We suppose what you did was fine then. As long as you don’t do it again, okay? Ruining people’s lives can leave something of a mark, you know.

Forgive us if we come across as churlish, but we believe that Mr. Nifong’s heartfelt semi-mea culpa has materialized a tad late. You know: Kind of like Britain apologizing for slavery late. Or maybe the Catholic Church apologizing for complicity in anti-Semitism late. That is to say, a bit tardy.

Mr. Nifong’s groveling is a bit refreshing, however, since so many other folks involved in the Duke non-rape witch hunt (warlock hunt?) wouldn’t apologize if you directed a flamethrower at their genitals. The Duke administration that hung the boys out to dry? They’re quite pleased with themselves. The sordid group of race-baiting faculty members? You’ll hear nary a display of condign mortification, just more blather about the racist cauldron that is America. The disgraceful Nancy Grace? She probably won’t say the word “lacrosse” again in her entire life.

Wow: You’re really looking bad when Mike Nifong outclasses you.