The Final Solution to Don Imus

By now, dear reader, you have undoubtedly heard every sentient being’s opinion regarding what the French call the Affair Imus. As all of God’s creatures big and small already know, ill-mannered shock-jock Don Imus has landed himself in oodles of trouble (and the unemployment line) by referring to the Rutgers University women’s basketball team as a passel of “nappy-headed ho’s.”

Never before has anyone cared so much about the Rutgers University women’s basketball team. In fact, never before has anyone cared about the Rutgers University women’s basketball team. Actually, never before has anyone cared about women’s basketball. But we collectively digress.

Perhaps we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are the only ones who don’t fully understand the whole Imus brouhaha. Naturally, like all reasonable people, we find Mr. Imus’ comments offensive.

But, as John Leo dutifully pointed out on the editorial page of The Wall Street Journal, Mr. Imus has a long history of uttering ethnically insensitive remarks. On previous programs, he’s discussed blacks, Jews, and assorted minorities in derogatory terms.

So why did it take so long for people to catch up to Don Imus’ shtick? Why this sudden horror at one of his racist remarks?

It doesn’t make too much in the way of sense to us. As far as John Leo is concerned, folks are jumping on the anti-Imus bandwagon because it’s finally safe to do so. In the past, it seems, Mr. Imus brutally excoriated those who crossed him. And now, we suppose, it’s payback time.

For some reason or other, dear reader, we’ve found the whole Imus kerfuffle vaguely unsatisfying. And, to be honest, we’re not sure why.

After all, we’ve always studiously avoided the feculent “Imus in the Morning.” It’s slow, boring, and stupid. Imus’ co-hosts were inane; they can’t even do passable impressions. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. We never knew much about Imus’ racial insensitivity, but that just adds another to the long list of reasons not to listen to his mindless prattling.

In addition, Imus seems like a real Grade-A jerk. From what little we know of the show, he appears to treat his colleagues with scorn and is an all-around grouch. If he is forced into early retirement, it’ll mean nothing to us. Serves the jerk right.

And yet this all doesn’t sit right with us. Naturally, we found it disturbing that Mr. Imus would take his case to the (Ir)Rev. Al Sharpton, America’s premiere racial huckster. Ah, yes: Genuflect to Rev. Al—that’ll really demonstrate your anti-racist bona fides. Does anyone else remember Freddy’s Fashion Mart and the so-called “white interlopers”? We sure do.

Maybe, dear reader, we’re unsatisfied because we find Mr. Imus’ punishment so lame. We mean, come on: Everyone seems to detest this fellow. The media (suddenly) can’t seem to stop talking about it.

If you ask us, it’s time to end this whole mess. As such, we propose two possible outcomes: Either let Imus go and stop talking about this brouhaha, or kill him. Either way, at least we’ll eventually drop the subject.