Out of Iraq Now

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are nothing if not inveterate peaceniks. In fact, the only difference between us and the loveable scamps in ANSWER (Act Now To Stop War and End Racism) is that we’re not unhinged Stalinoid kooks. Other than that, we’re almost frighteningly alike.

And so, dear reader, we would hope that the folks in the mainstream media, if ever they feel the need to mention us, would refer to us as “an obscure pro-peace ‘weblog.’” Frankly, we think we’ve earned it.

After all, like many of our peace-loving pals, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” believe strongly in an “Out of Iraq Now” agenda. In fact, we’re currently whipping up some placards with that very slogan scribbled on them, for use in some upcoming “peace rally” or some such.

There’s only one key difference between our signs and those bandied about by our pro-peace confreres. Whereas their posters read “US: Out of Iraq Now,” ours read “Al Qaeda: Out of Iraq Now.” Despite this minor distinction, we all hunger for the same thing.

You see, dear reader, whilst our fellow radicals pine for peace by praying for an American defeat in Iraq, we’re pining for peace by praying for a terrorist defeat in Iraq. Still, we essentially want the same thing—an irenic Iraq.

Given that our mainstream media pals ineluctably refer to those who hope for an American withdrawal “peace advocates,” it seems only commonsensical to refer to us by the same nomenclature. Never mind whom were attempting to sway into capitulation; it’s the peace part that really matters.

As you might imagine, rallying al Qaeda to depart from Iraq may prove a bit difficult. From our cursory understanding of this cabal, it strikes us as a bit on the pugnacious side.

Still, our peace-loving message should inspire these fellows to depart forthwith. Nothing speaks louder than high-minded calls for peace from a bunch of sweaty bongo-drum-playing tyros bedecked in hemp. We drip peace from our very essence so much that you can almost smell it.

Frankly, dear reader, we have long wondered why so few of our fellow peaceniks take to our course of action. Why do they always attempt to rally the West (America, Israel, Britain, NATO, &c.) to depart from conflicts? They never seem so bent on rallying the Palestinians, Iran, al Qaeda, &c. to leave.

Funny, that. We suppose that’s one of the great mysteries of our peace-promoting pals.