Not-So-Special Prosecutor

There are times, dear reader, when we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” routinely get fed up with politics. In fact, this happens for about four years before every presidential election.

Like any other God-fearing Americans, we oft grow weary of the 24-hour coverage of insignificant pseudo-political firestorms. You know, like the latest Ann Coulter brouhaha: If you ask us, anyone who thinks Ann Coulter is anything other than a self-promoting twit is a complete buffoon.

But now a larger issue has appeared over the horizon—and it seems dead-set on irking us no end.

Yes, we’re referring to the recent guilty verdict in four of the five charges against I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, former aide to Dick Cheney. All of the hypocritical handwriting is just driving us up a wall. If not literally, dear reader, then at least figuratively.

Allow us to explain. Not so long ago, a certain President of the United States was the object of a zealous, not to say dogged, special prosecutor. This tireless prosecutor—who was clearly beholden to different political views from those championed by the President—had difficulty drumming up charges against this President, and wound up settling on perjury and obstruction of justice.

Oh, how the lefties howled with anger: The special prosecutor is out of control! He clearly embarked on a fishing expedition, having proved unable to catch the President in any more dubious activities. Meanwhile, our pals on the political Right were screaming for the electric chair.

Ah, but that was then. And this, as they say, is now. Dear, oh, dear: How the tables have turned. Now Patrick Fitzgerald is the overzealous special prosecutor who couldn’t find a real crime. So he hunted down poor Mr. Libby for supposedly fibbing about a non-existent crime that was never committed.

As if on cue, our lefty pals—who were previously outraged about out-of-control special prosecutors—are screaming for the electric chair. And our friends on the Right suddenly find themselves up in arms about the deep unfairness of such a sham prosecution.

It’s as if one could cut the irony with a spoon. A sharp spoon, but a spoon nevertheless. Further, this whole madness is enough to ensure that one never votes for Democrats or Republicans again.

In fact, it’s even worse. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” must admit that we hoped—and hope—that Mr. Libby will be exonerated. We have a hard time understanding why informing the public that Joe Wilson—who lied in his New York Times op-ed about the nature of his own report from Niger—was sent to Africa by his wife, and not at the behest of the Vice President, was wrong.

What’s the crime in that? We think it’s a crucial part of debunking this odious, self-possessed popinjay. Why would the Vice President blithely send a correspondent to The Nation to make determinations germane to American foreign policy? It makes no bloody sense.

Yet now the Libby verdict compels us to keep a sordid cast of characters in the national spotlight: Joe Wilson, Valerie Plame, Matt Cooper, et al. Further, our left-wing pals will take the conviction as proof positive that the Iraq War was an evil debacle.

How they make this connection is not clear. But, hey, let’s not ask our buddies on the Left to think that hard. If they were real experts in hard thinking, they wouldn’t so routinely side with Islamic fascists against our society, now would they?