An Upcoming Presidential Election? Really? You Don’t Say

Perhaps you haven’t heard, dear reader. Maybe, despite your diligent following of the news cycle (and the spin cycle), it has yet to appear on your radar screens. But it’s true nevertheless: There will be an election for the next president of these here United States of America in 2008.

First you’ve heard of it, we imagine. For some reason, our pals in the media—especially the 24-hour cable news folks—have been eerily quiet about this whole election thing.

And why spend so much time on it anyway? After all, Britney Spears is bald as an eagle without any hair and Anna Nicole Smith’s death has left us all reeling. (All of us except Howard K. Stern, whose too busy reaping financial rewards from her demise, that is.) Under the circumstances, it makes lots of sense that we haven’t been bombarded with all sorts of pre-election nonsense.

Still, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are more than a mite worried that the potential Republican and Democratic nominees for president will forever languish in obscurity. Won’t anyone talk about these attention-starved people?

We will. The whole rest of the world may be drooling over the possibility that scandalous nude photos of Mike Nifong have surfaced on the Internet, but we’ll buck the trend and talk shop about the obscure candidates for president. Today, like Richard Nixon’s goons, we tackle a few of the Democrats.

First up, a woman called Hillary Clinton. Although possessing impressively thick ankles, Ms. Clinton—the junior Senator from New York—is something of a political unknown. In fact, most American high school students probably don’t recognize that she is married to Bill Clinton, who served as the president before George W. Bush. Also, as it turns out, she is not related to George Clinton of Parliament-Funkadelic fame.

And then there’s Barack Obama, the junior Senator from Illinois whose popularity with the media is only surpassed by his penchant for alarmingly milquetoast political boilerplate. Apparently, we’re the only ones who have noticed that this charming fellow hasn’t said anything of substance during his senatorial career. He seems to think that the more he prattles on with useless generalities, the less people will recognize that he’s an un-reconstructed paleo-liberal. So far, so good.

Oh, and let’s not forget Dennis Kucinich. That guy’s so ugly he makes Carl Levin seem like George Clooney. More importantly, Congressman Kucinich hungers for peace at all costs. That is exactly what we need in these trying times—a president who’ll quickly capitulate to radical Islam.

Okay, okay, okay: Enough of our partisan potshots. In a future edition of our exclusive following of the American 2008 presidential election, we’ll discuss a few more of the candidates for our nation’s highest office. Perhaps we’ll even make some gags at Rudy Giulliani’s expense. Boy: Isn’t that something to look forward to?