Al Gore’s Really Large Shoes

It is with great consternation, dear reader, that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” reluctantly turn to a minor excoriation of Al Gore. After all, as we have noted with chirpy regularity, Mr. Gore is the American hero who invented the Internet. Without his self-effacing smarts, this very “weblog” you are reading wouldn’t exist. It’s sad, but it’s true.

Naturally, any sentient being would be loath to criticize such a laudable man. And one, we need add, who has such a sensible wife: We don’t care what other people say, Tipper’s crusade to apply warning labels to foul-mouthed pop albums was eminently sensible. You go, girl.

Yet, as unenthusiastic about criticizing Al Gore as we undoubtedly are, criticize him we must. If he reads these words—and we have every reason to believe that he will, of course—he ought to know, however, that we are chastising him out of love. And lust.

By now, dear reader, you know all about Mr. Gore’s rather steep electric bills. Some conservative think tank did a charming hit job on Mr. Gore, demonstrating that this global warming pontificator personally wastes more electricity than most African nations.

Frankly, we find this really depressing. And for good reason: Unlike many of our pals on the political Right, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” consider ourselves environmentalists. Not, we daresay, of the Paul Ehrlich “We’re All Going To Die in a Fiery Apocalypse” variety, but environmentalists nonetheless.

And thus we find it irksome that Mr. Gore, in between bouts of hectoring the public about energy conservation, appears to spray aerosol cans in the air whilst chewing on large amounts of coal.

Sure, Mr. Gore claims that his financial support for various earth-friendly endeavors (which he calls “carbon offsets”) makes up for his profligacy. As James Taranto highlights in his “Best of the Web” column, however, this “offsetting” essentially amounts to financial contributions to himself (he is the chairman of the company benefiting from his “offsetting”).

Oh, dear. This just isn’t good.

Yet the pro-Gore police had to come up with some sort of argument that made the former Harvard roommate of Tommy Lee Jones who invented the Internet seem okay. And here it is: Those criticizing Al Gore’s energy consumption are merely shooting the messenger. They’re engaging in ad hominem fluff.

Well, well, well: We suppose that’s true, up to a point. But it’s much like saying that criticizing Jim Bakker’s moral lapses merely amounts to shooting the messenger. Or criticizing Bill Bennett’s gambling fancy merely amounts to shooting the messenger. And we have the sneaking suspicion that those rushing to defend Gore’s blatant hypocrisy didn’t clamor to save Messrs. Bakker and Bennett.

All in all, Al Gore must have some pretty big shoes. He has, after all, a colossal “carbon footprint.” And, given his mammoth hypocrisy, we’ll bet his feet aren’t the only thing big about him.