Your Mascot Is Red in the Face

There is a chance, dear reader, that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” will change the name of this humble “weblog.” In the future, we may call it “The Angry Redskins’ Fire Water Review,” or some such.

Admittedly, it’s not a particularly inspired title, and it may well prove offensive to some casino owners and assorted tribesman. But there’s a reason for this prospective new title—our irritation with Native-American hyper-concern over Native-American mascots.

As the vaguely ill-esteemed Chronicle of Higher Education reports, the University of North Dakota finds itself in a bit of a pickle. And not, we dare add, because it’s in North Dakota, even though that’s pretty deadly in our books.

Rather, the folks at good ole’ UND have discovered that lots of universities resolutely refuse to compete against them in athletic competitions. The reason? Well, they find the University of North Dakota mascot—the Fighting Sioux—deeply offensive.

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Oh, puh-lease. We’re as sensitive to American Indians as the next non-scalped person, but this is positively ridiculous.

Note, first of all, the fact that UND’s mascot is not, say, the Raging Drunk Native Americans. Nor, say, the Lazy, Good-for-Nothing Indians. Nor, say, Phil Collins.

No, it’s just the Fighting Sioux. Kind of like Notre Dame’s Fighting Irish, which is somehow far less offensive.

We mean, come on: What is so horrible about fighting? We haven’t checked the history books recently, but we’re willing to wager that the Sioux were pretty good in the fisticuffs department.

Not, we daresay, as talented as the evil White Man, but pretty strong nonetheless. And we think they should be proud.

Still, concerned about the delicate sensibilities of the campus Left as we are, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” figured we’d offer a few new mascot ideas for UND:

Official Crack Young Staff Proposals for New UND Mascots

1) The North Dakota Freezing Our Butts Off

2) The North Dakota Middle of Nowheres

3) The North Dakota GBTL-Friendly Dental Dams

4) The North Dakota Lesbian Phalluses

5) The North Dakota Fighting Cherokees

6) The North Dakota Strikingly Low SAT Scores