Finally, We’re Somebody

As befits a preternaturally popular destination on Al Gore’s World-Wide Web, “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” routinely receives all sorts of e-mail messages from rabid fans. On any given day (or, as John Madden would say, any given Sunday), this humble “weblog” rakes in piles and piles of missives.

You know, the sorts of letters that offer messages such as: “You guys suck”; “I’ve met stool samples that were funnier”; and “You fellahs are about as hilarious as a raccoon abortion.” Ah, nothing warms the cockles of the heart quite like charming notes chock-a-block with kudos such as these.

A few short days ago, however, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were on the receiving end of a particularly uplifting e-epistle. Penned by a guy with the deeply ethnic name Matthew Johnson, this letter was directed directly at us directors amongst the crack young staff.

Why was this little note so wondrous? Well, we think a gander at a truncated version will allow you to make that call for yourself:

Prospective Member,

I am delighted to announce your nomination by the Governing Board of Editors of the Madison Who’s Who of Executives and Professionals to be an honored biographical candidate in the 2006-2007 edition. The Institute’s International Board of research decided on your nomination due to research on individual accomplishments and contributions to society. Based on many years of excellent reference and research compilation, the institute remains an authoritative figure in the field of noting significant accomplishments.

We have reviewed the endeavors of men and women around the world because of our research division reaching out to business libraries, educational institutions, and research centers worldwide. Much deliberation was held to choose those whose achievements and dedication toward exemplary goals were the best we have seen….

Sincerely,

Matthew Johnson

You hear that, Peter Gabriel: We have finally made it Big Time! That’s right: An august Governing Board poured over squillions of applications, and, after countless hours of deliberations, finally decided to choose the people whose e-mail address is hatemongersquarterly@yahoo.com. Sounds totally reasonable, doesn’t it?

Right about now, dear reader, you are probably pretty jealous of us crack young staffers. Or at least at the “Prospective Member” to which Mr. Johnson’s mail is directed; we’re not entirely sure which one of us he meant.

Still, we can’t help but be mighty proud of ourselves. Clearly, our mediocre finish in the 2006 Weblog Awards put us over the top, making us stand out for our “individual accomplishments and contributions to society.” Not so shabby, eh?

Right after we complete a victory lap, we’ll send off a carefully wrought letter to the Institute’s International Board, which decided on our nomination. With any luck, we’ll reach even further than the Madison Who’s Who next year. Maybe we could find ourselves in the Denver Who’s Who?

Hey, we all have our dreams.