Hooray for Florida?

As those attuned to the world of sports know, the University of Florida Gators defeated the Ohio State University Buckeyes in the National Championship game in NCAA Division 1 football (a.k.a. the Tostitos and Viagra Bread and Circus Bowl). Although we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” would love to congratulate the pituitary cases at the University of Florida whose brawn—and not brains—led to this victory, we’re finding it difficult to do so.

Normally, we’d delight in the charming victory of an underdog over its overrated rival. And particularly in the case of Ohio State, whose sticker-bedecked helmets bother us no end. But, for some reason or other, we simply can’t bring it upon ourselves to jump for joy.

We admit that this is churlish of us. Not one member of the crack young staff attended Ohio State, and thus we have no reason to be spiteful about Florida’s big win. Further, we think that we should be happy for Florida, a state whose reading level is slightly below that of the average woodchuck. There aren’t likely to be many Nobel Prize winners who grew up in Florida, so why begrudge them their football victory?

Frankly, dear reader, we don’t have a good reason. As we’ve mentioned in the past, during collegiate sporting matches we routinely root for the university that’s easier to get into. If you ask us, you’re better off supporting Evergreen State than Stanford—at least the former wouldn’t laugh at your transcript.

But a Florida vs. Ohio State match-up doesn’t really inspire much underdog fury in us. Which one has a more accommodating admissions policy? Which one has the superior sociology department? Forgive us for professing our collective ignorance, but we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” haven’t the vaguest idea.

Add to this the fact that the University of Florida men’s basketball team is the reigning champion of the NCAA—even though everyone on God’s green earth was hoping that George Mason would beat the tar out of them. We don’t think that such collegiate athletic success is particularly endearing.

And have you seen Florida’s basketball coach? The fellow—Billy Donovan?—looks like he almost showed up late for the game because he was busy “whacking” somebody. His haircut makes Pat Riley look like a class act.

So, enjoy the roses, University of Florida students. You came, you saw, and you conquered. But don’t get too high and mighty. Remember: You still have some homework to do. That remedial pre-algebra isn’t going to finish itself.